You didn’t ask for it. And, yet, here it is.
Always hypervigilent, I’m going to anticipate your complaint. The Chaos Trials slams everything, but never offers any solutions. What gives?
While I think it’s presumptuous on my part, this entire project is built on presumption, so why stop now? That train is oh so far from the station. Well here you are. You’re, as always, welcome. In no particular order and for what they are worth, here are some suggestions:
Always leave them wanting more.
Always keep them guessing. A moving target is both more interesting and harder to hit.
Always tell the truth in the kindest way possible.
Have sex. Lots and lots of sex.
Visit that friend in the hospital.
Go to a shelter and hang out with the animals. You’ll feel better.
Always buy used if you can. Hit that local thrift store.
Support local businesses when you can.
Vote with your wallet.
Most people are full of sh*t. Sorry.
Keep an eye on the earnest ones. They have dangerous secrets.
Watch out for motorcycles.
When it comes to politics and voting, you may think you have no skin in the game—you do. If you don’t, I can assure you, someone does. Protect them.
Keep a few things secret. Open books, while refreshing, can become boring—and, obvious. Which means sometimes you have lie—sorry #3. Welcome to the glorious contradiction that is life.
Never be obvious. The Devil isn’t. You shouldn’t be either. This relates to #2.
Always be kind in the most truthful way.
Chose kindness over niceness. Being nice is a magnet for abuse.
I think it was Coleman Hawkins who said, “If you don’t make mistakes, you’re not really trying.” So get off your ass and make some. You won’t die—well, maybe you won’t die.
Never bullsh*t a bullsh*tter. They know the truth anyway. And, never, ever lie to yourself. Deep down you know the truth—have the courage to face it. When you lie to yourself, you’re cheating yourself of the wonderfulness that is you. Stop doing it.
Never enable assholes, drunks, addicts, politicians, and other assorted f*ck-ups. You’re actually hurting them. And, deep down you’ll hate yourself. And, they will hate you too. Trust me on this. No one, particularly the enabled, respect an enabler.
Embrace impurity and imperfections in yourself, others, the world, and all that’s in it. They are fantasies anyway. The best in anything comes from accidents on the way to greatness.
Stop using “Begging the Question” incorrectly. It makes you seem dumb. You’d be surprised how many people who should know better do this.
It’s “between you and me.” NOT, for the God of grammar’s sake, “Between you and I.” Get your grammar sorted. I’ll stop you right there: I know I bend the rules all the time. You have to know the rules before you can break them.
If I have to tell you this, you may be too far gone: be kind to ALL animals—even ones that scare you. And any living thing, human or animal that cannot protect itself or has no voice, no political power. Always protect the vulnerable. This is their world as much as ours.
Read more. Read. More.
See more movies. And, don’t just see them. I mean really SEE them. Imagine the work, the blood, sweat, and tears that went into them. If you have a favorite film, learn everything you can about it.
Have obsessions. Worship people places and things. You cannot love anything too much.
Never be “luke warm,” as Jesus warns. Love someone so much that what’s beneficial to them benefits you. Be a team. Love as if your life depended on it, because it does. Fight for it. Hold on tight.
Never let a broken heart stop you from living and loving. Again. And again. Life is heartbreak. Embrace it.
Trust your gut, your intuition, it’s rarely wrong and may save your life and your heart. Live and love wisely.
Don’t waste your time trying to change someone who doesn’t want to change. Move on.
Never work harder than the client.
Be passionate versus fanatical. Fanatics are rigid and never get invited to the good parties.
Move your body as much as you can. Your body will thank you. Go for a walk. Do some jumping jacks. Anything to get that blood flowing.
Probably don’t get that tattoo. I know. I’m a hypocrite. Chances are, no matter what you get, you’ll come to regret it.
Take nothing for granted. Practice gratitude. It could all vanish in a second. All those annoying things your partner or friend does, you will miss when they are gone. Trust me.
Eat good food. If your grandma wouldn’t recognize it as food, you probably shouldn’t eat it. Cook at home more. Do it with friends. It’s fun.
When it comes to anything from people to shoes, always go for quality over quantity.
Dance and sing like no one’s looking.
Go to a laundromat. Do your laundry. See how the other more-than-half live.
Humility is a superpower.
Rescue an animal.
Learn another language. Pick a really hard one.
Also, learn an instrument. Sucking at something builds character.
Get outside more. Outside not inside looking at screens.
There is no such thing as a cheap Porsche.
Save some money. But also, get some bling, life is short.
“Judge not lest ye be judged.” This is a tricky one. Just remember, we’re all fighting a secret fight.
Forgive as much as you can. Mostly, forgive yourself. You’re doing great!
Don’t get addicted to substances. Take it from me, the “glamour” wears off tout suite.
Have a few rituals. Stick to them.
Make an alter. Add to it regularly.
Never. Ever. Give. Up.
Always be falling in love with something, someone, anything.
Work for change. Join a committee, pick up trash, vote, agitate, engage—be a thorn in the side of something. Nothing will ever get better if you wait for someone else to do it.
There may actually be someone for everyone one. I call it the Eva Braun Principal. If you want love, maybe there’s some lie deep down inside, something you believe about yourself that’s keeping you single.
Don’t talk down to anyone.
Buy art.
Have more dinner parties and play silly games. I know this from personal experience, I take sh*t way yo seriously. Be silly in general.
Don’t chase. Work for it, yes. If you have to chase, say, a person, they’re just not that into you. Move on. You deserve better.
Honor labor. Respect all the sh*t work that makes your life easier. And, if you’re one of the folks doing the sh*t work, Thank You.
Don’t buy sh*t you don’t need to impress people you don’t like. Less is more.
Pray for the less fortunate, the addict who still suffers, the trafficked, the homeless, and on and on… Who knows, they may be praying for you too.
Take care of yourself. You can’t help anyone if your cup is empty.
Lastly, be gentle with yourself and others. Be as gentle as you can. We, for the most part, are doing the best we can. Otherwise, there would be so much more murder.
Befriend the odd one, the one no one likes. Be the kook who likes the kooks. You’ll gain so much street cred.
Finally. If you practice only one of these suggestions, this one will save you untold grief. Before engaging in any argument, cause, discussion, whatever, ask yourself these two questions: 1. Do I have a dog in this fight? If yes, proceed. If no, walk away. 2. Do I want to die on this hill? If yes, proceed. If no, walk away.
Forgive me for all the ones I forgot. Feel free to add at will.
When in doubt, do what any good Italian does. Shrug your shoulders and say: But, what do I know?
All this takes practice, discernment, and patience. Do your best.
That. Is. All.
