your beauty never really scared me - diorlily

Chapter 1: chapter one

Summary:

The two of you had been married for around three years now. Not out of love, but Satoru needed a wife, a business partner if you will. The higher-ups wanted to shift the power balance and thought leashing him would add a weakness they could exploit. They also insisted on the resurrection of the Gojo clan. You thought both facts were hypocritical yet they somehow seemed to coexist. (You knew it was because of him, and the fear another God could turn to darkness).
Who better than one of his closest friends?
You agreed, mostly because you didn’t care for marriage and wanted to help your long-time friend.
“How was the mission?” He sits beside you as you are massaging lotion into your skin.
But also because you were in love with him.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The positive of being a Jujutsu sorcerer was that it was easy to die, but the downside was how painful that process could potentially be.

That reality became imminently more clear to you looking at the traces of black mold on the tiled floor. The properties of the bubbling substance were enough to tell you that you were dealing with a grade 2 curse at the least. Firstly, the technique was too meticulous, the mold wasn’t sparsely placed but had a more strategic organization meaning the curse had impeccable control, which would not be seen in a grade 3.

But it looked toxic, and you didn’t particularly want to die from having your organs down to bone burnt off in excruciating pain, though that would mean it would be impossible for Shoko-san to resurrect you.

You sighed, I suppose I’ll need to find an alternative.

Eyeing the door in front of you, it was easy to see it was barely being supported on its hinges and was rotting away just like the rest of the place. This lab was a walking biohazard. The hallways were covered in moss, the floors in several colourful substances that all gave off odour, and rats scurried every corner. A part of you wanted to choke the higher-ups just for the satisfaction of it. It seemed they were getting bolder and bolder as of late in their attempts to push you to the edge.

Despite all of this, you swallow your pride and approach the door regardless. The knob easily clicked open despite the wreck the entire location was. A stream of acid comes shooting at you, and you flick your fingers.

Time freezes.

“How boring.”

You slice the curse in half.

୨♡୧

Traveling back from a mission was always your least favourite part. Partially because it was a reminder that you had failed to take your own life, even after overbooking yourself, (the other reason was thinking this was what he saw in his last days).

Your exhaustion from your technique caught up to you, and you ended up taking a sixteen-minute nap on the train before you arrived at your destination.

You were vaguely aware from Satoru’s chatter that they had gathered together all the first years. Through the grapevine, you heard about the presence of Sukuna’s vessel, who would be a part of the party. This intrigued you, to say the least. You found it laughable that the so-called powerful higher-ups were scared of Sukuna so much. It was pathetic really. They trained dozens upon dozens of sorcerers, some of which had incredible power, some of which were nearly invincible like you, and others Gods. Yet, they still worried this much?

Truly weak. It was no surprise Satoru detested them so much.

The streets of Tokyo were buzzing. Sweet nectar was filling the air from the aromatic flowers that lined the paths. Children were strolling around with their parents, holding bags upon bags, probably doing some back-to-school shopping. The sight was equally comforting but a tinge of jealousy flashed through you at the normalcy of the common folk.

Eventually, once you survived the crowd of families, you finally made it back to Jujutsu High. Your first stop was Yaga-san, your former teacher and now the principal. Navigating through the familiar halls with a small frown on your face, your mood began to grow worse and worse with every corner you turned.

Really, the more you thought about the poor teenager, the angrier you got.

You entered Yaga-san’s office without knocking and coldly said, “Execution really Yaga-san? Is that what the world’s come to? Our sorcerers are so cowardly and ant-like we can’t even handle one child?”

He doesn’t even look up from his desk, familiar with your barging in and verbal berating, “He isn’t just a child, he carries in him the greatest threat to the balance of this world.”

You flop down on the couch, eyeing his seemingly stoic look. But you knew better. You scoff settling into the cushions, “At least you aren’t as crazy as the rest of them. Like really, we are more than equipped to deal with Sukuna, yet our first instinct is to kill a child. How typical.”

“Enough of that,” he firmly says, placing down his pen and turning to face you, “How was your mission?”

You wave him off, “Same old. Grade 1, easy kill.”

“What about your technique aftermath?”

Your face hardens. You knew your old teacher meant well, but you hated when people asked you. It made you feel weak. It made you feel like you were back at square one again as if you haven’t wiped her clean out of yourself (the you that was a failure, the you that was weak, the you who hoped a little too hard). Alas, you conceded, sighing deeply as you caught sight of his concerned expression. He really was soft.

“It was fine. Coughed up a bit of blood but other than that it's the same deal.”

He hummed disapprovingly but didn’t comment on it any further. Instead, he gently chided, “Gojo must be waiting for you. Why don’t you go see him?”

You felt a warmth settle within your heart and a small smile made its way onto your face, “I suppose I will.”

He flipped through some more papers and you spotted the name Itadori Yuuji on one of them, and reached for a folder as he said, “He should be in the field with the first and second years.”

You note the name for later. “Well, I guess I should get going. Can’t leave him unoccupied for too long, he might accidentally start a rebellion,” you cheerfully say.

Yaga-san frowns and shoos you off, stress lines showing up on his face as he mutters something like these kids will be the death of me.

The way there was much easier than moving through the catacomb-like hallways. It took you a while of searching past the training quarters and through the track when you finally spotted the familiar head of white hair surrounded by his equally colourful students.

You flick your fingers (probably a bad choice in hindsight for your health, but you did love the surprise element), and stroll towards them until you were right behind him. You flicked your fingers again and whispered, “Boo.”

He didn’t flinch, though his students were another story, (the brown-haired girl and Panda in particular looked like their souls left their bodies).

He turned around and ah there it was, that all too familiar grin and those warm eyes. He patted your head and said, “You made it back.”

You leaned into his touch, no infinity preventing you, and said, “Don’t play dumb, I know you knew I was back in the city already.”

He hums fondly, “Well, your energy is rather distinct after all.”

Your bubble was interrupted by two hysterical shrieks, “Gojo Sensei has a girlfriend?”

The two of you separate and turn towards the students and you find Megumi covering both of their mouths with his hands as they frantically gesture. Satoru immediately wraps an arm around your waist and nuzzles his cheek into your head in an exaggerated motion and says, “N/N in fact is-“

In an unglamorous manner, he is ‘accidentally’ pushed out of the way by Panda throwing himself into your arms whining, “We missed you.” Maki comes up to you and bows her head, Inumaki creeping up beside her, “Hello sensei.”

You smile fondly at your kids and ruffle their hair, “I’m back.” They visibly relaxed.

Megumi tried to avoid eye contact with you but you patted his shoulder in greeting as well causing his ears to tinge pink. You had a deep bond with your kids, you felt like a mother to them at times.

Your moment was cut off by Satoru’s pouting, “Hey I didn't get to finish.”

You roll your eyes and nudge him, “Fine do your spiel.”

He rests his arm on top of your head and grins brightly again, “This is Y/N, she’s my lovely beautiful wife.”

The new duo shrieks again, “Wife?!”

୨♡୧

The chestnut-haired girl was introduced to you as Nobara Kugisaki. She had a fire you remember having when you were a student as well. You hoped hers wouldn’t extinguish.

Then, at long last, you met the pink-haired boy who was the one you'd been waiting to meet. Itadori Yuuji. Sukuna’s vessel.

As soon as he introduced himself, you gently said, “Don’t worry child. We’ll protect you, so stay happy and be safe.”

Now, you were in the penthouse you and Satoru shared. Currently, he was in the shower and you were drying your hair in your robe, hairdryer in one hand, hairbrush in the other.

The two of you had been married for around three years now. Not out of love, but Satoru needed a wife, a business partner if you will. The higher-ups wanted to shift the power balance and thought leashing him would add a weakness they could exploit. They also insisted on the resurrection of the Gojo clan. You thought both facts were hypocritical yet they somehow seemed to coexist. (You knew it was because of him, and the fear another God could turn to darkness).

Who better than one of his closest friends?

You agreed, mostly because you didn’t care for marriage and wanted to help your long-time friend.

“How was the mission?” He sits beside you as you are massaging lotion into your skin.

But also because you were in love with him.

“Same old,” the finality in your voice indicated you didn’t want to discuss it any further.

He hums, a habit when he doesn’t quite know how to respond but doesn’t want it to be silent either. “What do you think of the kids?” he asks as you pass him his hairbrush, the sickeningly domestic action sending a pang through your heart.

“Sweet, very sweet. Quite funny as well.”

He groans knowing exactly what you found humorous, “Really why are they surprised you're my wife. I'm quite handsome, you know.”

“Yes you are,” a small entertained smile plays on your lips, “But, I guess they just think I'm out of your league.”

A yelp slips out of your lips as he ruffles your hair in retaliation. You frown, having to straighten out your hair all over again. The two of you make small talk as you finish the rest of your routine and get ready for the night. When you’re all dressed and ready you open your purse searching for your cigarette box and lighter.

“You coming to bed?” Satoru says quietly as he hovers behind you.

“I’m going for a smoke first, go rest,” you urge, scrutinizing the bags underneath his eyes. He was definitely having sleeping problems again. But, you would confront him later, it was too late and Satoru always gets defensive (he is a god, he has no flaws).

Satoru narrows his eyes. He’s never liked that you smoked, you knew that much. But, it was a safety net for you. It felt like a shield of sorts and reassurance you are punishing yourself. It didn’t make sense to anyone but yourself, but that’s okay, you weren’t exactly defensive of it.

“That’s a nasty habit you’ve picked up. Maybe I should go lecture Shoko about her influence on my innocent wife,” he drawls.

“Please,” you roll your eyes, “Both of us know Shoko had nothing to do with this.”

Both of you knew why, but neither of you dared to say.

Satoru eventually does go to sleep first, and you‘re on the balcony for a while taking a draw of your cigarette. When you first started, Shoko said you were a natural, you choked a bit on the smoke but it wasn’t too severe of a reaction. Though you had done a plethora of different drugs so maybe that experience helped you a bit.

You watched the night sky for a long while. The stars were nearly enough to make you forget for a while, a worthy distraction - you would give it that much. Despite that, you muster a glance at the moon and your breath is taken away.

“You look like the moon y’know,” you smile as you lean into his touch, head against his chest, his chin on your neck. The two of you fit together as though you were a whole and the Heavens had sliced you in two.

“Really,” he chuckles. He cups your cheek oh so gently (he was always so gentle) and kisses your cheek.

“Then I suppose you’re the sun.”

“Damn,” you sigh, crushing your used smoke against the ashtray. You needed a drink or maybe two. Entering inside the room, your eyes immediately drift to Satoru’s sleeping form, cuddled under two blankets in silence on his side. Without you even realizing it, you gravitated to hover above him, wincing at the pain shooting throughout your body.

Stupid technique really did a number on you.

Your expression softens as you look at Satoru, admiring his beautiful features. Slowly, your eyes traveled past the slope of his nose to his slightly parted lips, to his long white lashes.

Your promise, I’ll always be here for you, as you kiss Satoru’s forehead goes unsaid.

Notes:

and that's a wrap of the first chapter! i am cross posting from quotev, it is my only other platform. if you see my work uploaded anywhere else, please report it and inform me. other than that, tell me your thoughts and have a great day <3

Chapter 2: chapter two

Notes:

hey lovelies i am back!
by the way, if you reread a chapter and think, “huh, i don’t remember this being here before” it's probably because i reread it and wanted to add something else. i’m a rather spontaneous editor, so don’t pay it too much mind.
on another note, happy back-to-school season! may you guys all have an abundance of cutesy stationary and sanity.
cw/tw: health issues pertaining to organ functionality, scratching as a form of sh, depictions of depression and suicidal thoughts,

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

“I wish you would smile more,” he said, so earnest in his expression. His fussing made you practically melt. Admittedly, you couldn’t help but feel at peace, leaning into his touch as he massages your scalp from your place on his lap. You felt his very beauty flood your bones.

“It makes me sad when I see you like this,” he frowns. He came to your room after practice because you had that look on your face. The same one when you felt like the world was ending all around you. Most couldn’t tell the difference.

But he knew better. (He knows you like body knows mind, inside out. He could feel your emotions like they were his own).

“Sorry Ṡ̶̡̱̩͌ų̵̨̘̣̪̝̫̞̤̓̄̈́͗͋g̴̡̹̙̱̳̟̱͇̺̍̒̓̃̅͛ͅů̴̢̨̬͎̼͓̼͚͉̊́̊̏̏͌̚̕͝r̴̢̞̱̣̟̬̞͋̔̆͆̿͒̕͜ụ̸̩̬͑͋̈́̂̉̉̚͠,” you sigh, “I'm just.. tired of being alive. What is the point?”

He purses his lips and you feel the hesitation in his next words, “Let me ask you this then, do you think we as humans have a purpose?”

At first, you thought he was trying to get you to say some cheesy crap about how everyone has a reason they've been brought to Earth. But, then you see this look in his eyes, and you slowly realize you're mistaken. It makes you think that everything so far in life was leading up to this moment, this question. (Somehow you thought this answer was more for him.)

“Don't be ridiculous, there’s no reason why organ sacks like us could ever have a meaning.”

The corner of his lips quirk up, “Somehow I knew you’d say that.”

He looked into empty space, a strand of his black hair falling over his eye.

“But perhaps I wished your answer was different.”

If you knew the weight of your words back then, would things have been different?

୨♡୧

In your head, you were Satoru’s protector. When you first laid eyes on him, you instinctively were able to tell that he was a wounded child stuck playing a role that he never should have had to play. Loners are birds of a feather, and you can spot someone tired of living from a mile away (you were one of them after all.)

It enraged you to no end that the responsibility of an entire community rested on his shoulders. You saw the chains that he did not consent to, the weights holding down his ankles.

Yet, he never acknowledged it nor fought back though he could. He simply accepted it with his co*cky smirk and worked tirelessly to become stronger and stronger. Oftentimes you wondered, what is he doing this all for?Whois he doing this all for? You knew a persona when you saw one, this overconfident brat wasn’t who he really was.

Then one day he was bleeding out while walking past Suguru's dorm and you both dragged him in to stitch him up, yelling at him,beggingfor any sort of explanation as to why he was acting without regard for his life. (How hypocritical of you.)

He refused to answer and yelled, “Stay out of my business. I didn’t ask for your help nor your pity.”

Then you realized the answer.

He had nobody.

No family to call his own. No arms to fall back on. No light he could trust at the end of the tunnel. He was entirely alone.

That's when you made your decision.

You offered him your hand. (You didn’t want him to be alone, you knew how alone felt, and it hurt. It hurt so much it made you scratch your skin off at threein the morning plotting a way to rip your mind out from your head.)

You wanted to be a shoulder for him to lean on, so he wouldn’t feel so desperately alone in this world. Frankly, you didn't care too much about how he saw you; whether was some freak with a saviour complex shoving her nose where it shouldn't be or a co*cky brat who thought that they were so graciously above him they coulddareto claim the title of his guardian. But to you, his feelings mattered more than your pride or image.

You knewhesaw it too.

Hegot closer to him than you ever could, touching parts of his soul that you would never be able to see, being let in farther than you could ever reach.

It made you have a reality check of sorts. What makes you think that you have any business pushing past his boundaries? What right do you have? Just because you feel some measly sympathy towards him? Just because you love him like he’s your heart within a heart? Just because you love him like he’s everything all at once?

Even Satoru thought as much (you weren’t ignorant to him putting distance between you two, you spent many nights crying thinking about why he pushed you away, why he was so cold after everything you three had been through).

You took a step back, and they kept moving and moving together. Perhaps your stagnancy was why you never got over all these feelings of hurt, guilt, and love in the first place after all these years, whereas Satoru has moved past the grief and pain.

Yeah, it was co*cky of you to think he needed anything from you.

But, even still, you wanted to help him regardless.

(Because he looks so sad when he cries, and it makes you want to give him everything he’s ever wanted. And you love him, God do you love him.)

You sat silently on the edge of the field as your second years sparred with the first years. Turns out, that lovely former teacher of yours banned you from missions for two weeks. After all, you had been fighting curses back to back to back for about three months.

Shoko-san examined your body and said, “I’ve fixed as much as I could, but if you keep this up Y/N-san it’s going to get really bad. Like you could be paralyzed permanently ugly or have your organs fail.”

The news made you so happy that when you got home, Satoru thought you had gotten a free car or something. You ignored him when he asked you to tell him what was going on and you could tell he was a little suspicious but you quite literally didn’t care. At long last, you were finally dying. It was a little more morbid than you expected but organ failure is definitely better than whatever curses could put you through.

You just had to push a little harder.

When you made eye contact with Megumi across the field you smiled with pure joy.

Yeah, Satoru would be fine. He is surrounded by strong people who love him. You can finally move on.

“Sensei,” a voice cuts you out of your trance.

You looked up to see Itadori approaching you. He shuffles on his feet nervously, his lips pursing as he stands awkwardly in front of you. A small smile made its way onto your face and you patted the ground next to you.

“Come sit dear.”

His eyes flicker to yours nervously and he nodded obediently. When he sits down he hesitantly asks, “Sensei, you and Gojo sensei have done so much for me, so I was just wondering if you aren’t busy, can you help train me to become even stronger.”

You co*ck an eyebrow as he clenches his fist, eyeing you with a desperation that made you frown. He reaffirms this time, voice less shaky and more determined, “I need to get stronger.”

The area falls silent and Itadori peeks up at you.

“Sensei…?” He quietly calls.

When you look up he can practically see the dark aura surrounding you. Gently, you pinch his cheek and chide, “Itadori why are you so obsessed with getting stronger? You are young and you didn’t come to this world with a choice. I think it's great you want to work hard but give yourself a break. You’ve been training so well with your classmates and now you want more lessons?”

“I know,” he starts, “But, please sensei. I’m not tired, I promise! I find-“

“-this fun!”

You frown, “Seriously Ṡ̶̡̱̩͌ų̵̨̘̣̪̝̫̞̤̓̄̈́͗͋g̴̡̹̙̱̳̟̱͇̺̍̒̓̃̅͛ͅů̴̢̨̬͎̼͓̼͚͉̊́̊̏̏͌̚̕͝r̴̢̞̱̣̟̬̞͋̔̆͆̿͒̕͜ụ̸̩̬͑͋̈́̂̉̉̚͠?”

He offers you a small grin as he slings his backpack over his shoulder, arm around your shoulder as you walked, “Yeah. I mean who cares if I gotta eat a couple of those little guys. This job beats sitting on a computer all day.”

Narrowing your eyes, you scrunch your nose at him as you notice him evading your gaze. You knew he was hiding something. It was obvious he had a hidden motivator.

His eyes then locked in on someone ahead, and you follow his gaze to see the back of Satoru’s head with Shoko and Nanami.

Ah.

“Whatever,” you sigh in frustration, choosing to not comment on why you knew he was doing this, “Only a masoch*st can enjoy this. You’re really one-of-a-kind nightingale.”

“…Sensei?”

You didn’t realize you were frozen until Itadori brought you out of your memories.

You dryly chuckle, shaking your head, murmuring to yourself quietly, “Just like him, as desperate to get good as fast as possible and trying to lie about it like I’m an idiot.”

Raising your head, you reach out your hand and tilt your head, “Fine Itadori Yuuji. I’ll teach you under one circ*mstance. We do it my way or not at all.”

He excitedly grabs your hand with both of his and comically shakes it extremely high and low nodding vigorously, “Yes, of course! Thank you so much sensei.”

You smile.

୨♡୧

At the ripe time of 12:45 pm, you got a text message from Satoru of an address and time saying he had something important to tell you. You wouldn’t be annoyed if it weren’t for the fact you were in the middle of teaching your kids right now and the meetup was in an hour.

“Sensei, is something wrong?” Maki asks.

She was sweating head to toe, holding her polearm. Itadori wasn’t any better, he was practically panting despite his natural athleticism. What a pity you’d have to cut this training session short, he seemed to be making a lot of progress. To your pleasure, his reflexes definitely seemed to be improving even more along with cursed energy sensory.

“Nothing’s wrong dear, however, I will have to cut this session short. I need to go somewhere. You did very well,” you smile as Maki flushes in embarrassment.

Your next words are directed at Itadori, “You’re making a lot of progress. You should be incredibly proud of yourself. Keep on this track, and I think you will be able to catch up in no time.”

The boy practically glowed at the praise. When all farewells were done you firstly showered and changed into fresh clothes. After, you started making your way to the address.

You found yourself in front of a luxuriousrestaurant and you quietly thanked yourself for having the intuition to change into a formal suit.

When you walk in you ask for Gojo Satoru’s reservation and then are consequently led into a private booth. Immediately you’re greeted with a casual smirk and messy white hair.

You scowled, “Really Satoru? I was with the kids.”

He simply chuckled in response and patted the seat next to him. Reluctantly, you sit next to him not knowing what he has in store. It's not often he asks you to go out with him like this. In between both of your packed schedules, there's never enough time for the two of you to unwind.

Food is spread out throughout the table within the next minute, and your suspicions rise by the second. Satoru loosens his tie in one smooth motion and says, “Eat up Y/N.”

You eye him as you take a bite of your meal. This entire meetup was getting more suspicious by the minute. Somehow he even served as much of your favourite foods as he could manage.

“What is this all about Satoru?” You say. Quite frankly, all this beating around the bush has gotten you anxious.

You see a flicker of something in his eyes and he hums before saying, “Let's eat first.”

The meal is spent in silence and when the two of you finish Satoru breaks the silence, “The higher-ups want a successor.”

Your fork falls to the table with a clank.

“What?” You breathe out.

Satoru’s hands are folded neatly under his chin, supporting him as he showed no reaction, “I’ve had my suspicions for a while, but yesterday they basically demanded I start showing results for an heir. They’ve given us a year.”

He traces the rim of his wine glass before looking you dead in the eye, “I’m certain that they just want a limitless user they can leash to control.”

You wanted to say many things at that moment. Satoru looked so exhausted and you know what he was thinking.

He didn’t want to pass on the torch, and leave another person with the burden he has to carry.

He didn’t want to bring a child to this world to carry on a meaningless legacy.

There were plenty of other promising sorcerers. Soon enough, the balance of the world will slowly shift to not needing him anymore.

And you knew, better than almost anyone.

“Don’t worry Satoru, we will figure it out.” you rested your hand on his as he looked up at you with an indiscernible look in his eyes.

You won’t tie another kid down to this fate.

୨♡୧

That night when you went to bed you dreamed of having a family of your own. In your arms was aH/C-coloured hair baby clad in baby blue clothes. Yet what disoriented you was how willingly the baby leaned into you, with bright eyes. Below wasa white-haired toddler holding your hand. At first, the location looked nearly unrecognizable, until it created a cohesive outline of a park. You look down at the child holding your hand and feel every emotion come out of you at once.

She was the perfect replica of Satoru.

In her eyes, you saw anguish, love, heartbreak, all the promises you couldn’t keep, and everything you ever wanted. She was looking at you with such anticipation, and then she smiled and it felt like the world was anew.

At that moment, you almost resented the fact you were lucid; fully aware this wasn’t reality. How pitiful was it for you to live out this bitter fantasy? That you could never have a child of your own, someone of your flesh and blood.

“Why do you look so down?”

You turn to see Satoru. There was a cheerful expression on his face, one that aged him down many years. That was a look you hadn’t seen since that day. His hair was down, and instead of his signature blindfold, he had a pair of chic sunglasses on.Granted, he looked older, a few smile lines kissing his face.

But he looked so happy (and beautiful, he was always beautiful.)

Yet, you couldn’t help but feel like something was missing.

“What’s wrong, Y/N?” Satoru asks as the baby in your arms starts to sniffle at your clearly tense posture.

“Hush baby, mommy is just feeling a little unwell,” he coos the child as he places a hand over your forehead. Where were the butterflies? Why weren’t you over the moon?

When you looked past him you saw the answer in a sad smile and tired black eyes. He stood with his hands in his pockets and his hair falling out of his bun.

Oh.

That’s right.

Your family could never be complete without him.

You gazed at him as he gazed back unmoving, youngas the day he left you. It's bittersweet towonder what he would have thought in this situation. Would he be jealous? Would he be resentful? Would he be at peace knowing the two of you made joy out of a miserable existence?

All of these questions yet the one that stuck out to you the most was:

Why was he always so far away?

Why does he never stay? (Not in any timeline, nor any life.)

“Babe?” you hear Satoru call out. You look back at him to see glimmering eyes clearly in love.

Ah, what a cruel dream it was.

Notes:

this angst even hurt me to write. it only gets worse from here folks get your tissues!

Chapter 3: chapter three

Notes:

hi lovelies being a woman in stem is NOT glam. but it's okay because perseverance is a virtue. on another note, the updating schedule as of now is one chapter every week-ish. this is subject to change depending on how my schoolwork shifts but worry not! this project is important to me, so i will prioritize it as much as i can.
there will be a slight change to canon and who meets a certain curse first. don't worry its not like some major foreshadowing or anything just a small change for the flow :)
CW/TW: nothing really (shocking i know!) but maybe a teeny mention of coughing blood if you’re sensitive to that

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Itadori was a quick learner. Not that you expected any less, you knew the boy was innately talented and with his drive, you were convinced he could progress fast to catch up well enough. Although, there were a couple of things that were off like his control over cursed energy as a whole and his knowledge of its fundamental principles. His skill was akin to someone creating a sculpture with minimal research. Sure, natural talent takes you far enough, but it’s discipline and deep-rooted understanding that’ll really create a masterpiece.

Lately, you’ve noticed the presence of Sukuna also popping out here and there. Now, he certainly wasn’t pleasant to be around, but he was tolerable. Thankfully, he hadn’t taken over Itadori’s body again but he had been appearing in the form of a mouth on Itadori’s hand or face every now and then. You simply hoped this wouldn’t cause a problem in the future. Not in terms of safety, you knew Itadori was well equipped to handle him, and you and Satoru were always there to clean up any messes he could make. It was more so that you didn’t want to be nagged at by the higher-ups again.

A baby. You couldn’t believe it to be frank. Did they think you were breeding cattle?

You coughed into the napkin you kept on hand and winced when you saw traces of red. Despite the obvious internal bleeding you’ll need to hide from Shoko again, you never kept your eyes off Itadori and Megumi as they trained.

I mean seriously, something you never understood about Satoru is why he simply just didn’t kill the higher-ups especially when they treated him so inhumanely. Sure, it could be a different case if he was alone in the fight but he had you, and other very strong allies who could take over elder positions if needed and work towards a sustainable reform.He has enough people to completely take over the system - possibly more depending on if he played his cards right and actually tried to develop more friendships instead of annoying people.

You had voiced your concerns to him one day in your home as you threw together a quick meal for the both of you. He simply shrugged with cold eyes and responded, “They’d just replace themselves,” before downing his bowl of ramen.

Ridiculous. That answer didn’t even make sense. Sure, there was a systemic problem but, again, it’s not like he’s the only one who would be involved in the reformation.

You wondered the true answer for a long time. After mulling it over, there was only one conclusion you could form (the same one for almost all Satoru-related issues, we always run in circles, and perhaps that’s why he never could find an exit.)

Satoru didn’t want to be likehim.He didn’t want to fight for his beliefs the way he did. Perhaps it was out of stubbornness to conform to the ‘evil’ ideals, or maybe it was deeper. Maybe he refused to give into corruption and lose himself. Or maybe it's because he resented him so much for what he did that he couldn’t bear to become the second version of him. Whatever it was, you were certain you somewhat hit the nail on the head.

He’s the only thing that ever impacted him after all.

Not even you could do that.

(Not that that’s a massive accomplishment.)

Checking your watch, you decide this much training is enough and clap to get both of their attention. They’re panting, dripping head to toe with sweat and a pleased smile finds its way to your lips. They were really working hard.

“Good job kids, you did well. Our next practice will be on Thursday. Take it easy,” you praised them.

Itadori was grinning and it pleased you to see him grow more and more confidence in yourself. “Thanks so much, sensei! I have to go talk to Inumaki-senpai I’ll see you later.” He takes off running at the speed of light still waving animatedly.

Megumi has a soft smile as he watches him leave.

Oh?

You chuckle tossing Megumi a water bottle which he easily catches. With a hand on your hip, you tease, “I can't believe my eyes. MyMegumi-chan actually… looks fond of someone?!”

He shoots you a glare and you can’t help the giggle that slips out, “Ah I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m just so happy you’re making more friends.”

He scrunches your nose, “You sound like you’re my mom.”

Leaning into his face with a coy grin you press, “Is that such a bad thing Gumi?”

The boy simply rolls his eyes, shoving his hands in his pockets and saying, “Whatever. Are you coming or what?”

Not giving you a chance to respond he already begins walking away.

“Hey Gumi! Wait up!”

Notes:

dior writing a fluff ending?? somethings off….
hope you guys have a nice day! tell me your thoughts in the comments<3

Chapter 4: chapter four

Notes:

hey guys! its been a while huh? sorry for the delay! your girl started university and i am a stem major. so, well, you can probably imagine the adjustment i had to make. but, i have a grip of a schedule (somewhat) now so hopefully you will be seeing weekly updates again!
cw/tw: depression, dissociation, suicidal thoughts, coughing blood, mentions of organ failure, mentons of self harm.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Soon, you and Satoru received a detailed itinerary on the locations you were assigned to clear. You had been assigned approximately two weeks to complete the mission. When looking at the map of all the sightings, something became extremely clear to you. Typically, the distribution of curses was quite sparse and it was clear that in the more dense regions of Japan there were more cases to be sorted through. However, that certainly did not seem to be the case.

This was basically a vacation.

Judging by the frown on Satoru’s face as he sat beside you skimming the folder, he noticed as well.

There were barely any curses to eliminate. Most of them you and Satoru could cover together in three days tops if the two of you split off. It was crystal clear they wanted to crowd you two together. How the system worked is that even if you finish a mission ‘early’ until the designated time period is up you will need to continue to be on that mission. It allows sorcerers to conduct their own investigations, do administrative work they would otherwise have to do post-mission, and also give blooming sorcerers a chance to be assigned to missions without more experienced ones hogging them all. The monopoly on missions a few decades back led to a depreciating amount of skilled sorcerers because they never got to practice and hone their skills.

Satoru sighs, setting the folder down and leaning back as he monotonously says, “Well this is annoying.”

That was the understatement of the century, yet you couldn’t agree more. If you didn’t come back pregnant they would hound you.

But, what were you supposed to do?

You were infertile.

Even if you weren’t, there was no way you and Satoru would ever bring the product of two strong curse techniques to this world only to be exploited at any turn.

(Though a part of you wished you could have that privilege.)

You didn’t even want to think about what they could possibly resort to. One of the Zenin clan members' wives refused to give birth and was slaughtered with her head hung on their mansion's roof as a warning to the other women to fulfill their duty.

You couldn’t bear to imagine how they’d treat you, an outsider to the Jujutsu world.

Would they revoke your teaching license?

Would they leverage one of your kids?

Would you be back to square one?

(Without a home, without a family, without anything?

You’re better off dying after all.

The thought reaffirmed what you always knew.)

“Hellooo Earth to Y/N?”

You snap back to reality to see Satoru waving his hand in front of your face. “Jeez you’re out of it today? Are you planning on your next workout miss macho?” He teases, poking your cheek repeatedly.

You glare at him and he softens. It seems that your current mood seems to click and he makes a 360 in his personality. He throws an arm over your shoulders and with the gentlest voice musters, “Hey, listen. You don’t need to worry, okay? I’ll handle it. Trust me.”

Of course, I trust you.

You couldn’t let out a word, but he knew your answer regardless.

(Guilt swarmed you for relying on him for so much support, as though he hasn’t been forced to bear the burdens of everyone’s problems all his life. You were doing exactly what you promised yourself to protect him from. God, you hated yourself.)

Slowly, you were entering a downward mind spiral and Satoru narrowed his eyes at you, clearly suspicious of something although he probably wasn’t sure what. Supplementing the silence, he lifts himself and dusts his knees. “Guess we gotta start packing then. Get your stuff together by 8 sharp. We’ll leave tomorrow at sunrise.”

୨♡୧

Kyoto has always been one of your favourite places to visit. Whenever you had the time, you would beg your classmates to come with you. Usually, onlyhe and Shoko were willing to come, although sometimes Satoru tagged along when he was a part of the equation.

Your mood has slightly improved. Every couple of minutes you dissociated until the tips of your fingers felt unreal, as though you had been planted here in skin you were unfamiliar with and your essence was drowning in the universe itself.

That fact was not apparent to Satoru. Well, if it was, he clearly didn’t acknowledge that. That bitter truth made your stomach coil and you pushed your insecurities deep, deep down.

“Let’s split up here,” Satoru says, “Meet me back here in two hours, alright?”

You simply nod in response and turn to move when you feel a hand grabbing your upper arm. The sudden touch made you jump and almost wrench yourself out of his hold. Clearly, that movement caught Satoru off guard as well and he reluctantly let you go. You could nearly see his widened eyes behind the mask.

“Hey,” he says tenderly, “Are you good?”

Pulling down your sleeves to cover your hands you collect yourself and respond, “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just tired.”

He leans in close to your face and starts, “Are you sure you seem-”

“Satoru, please. Personal space.”

He freezes in place as you back up before recognizing that his nose was nearly brushing yours. Straightening up, he rubs the nape of his neck and apologizes, “My bad, I didn’t realize.”

When his hand drops, his tone changes altogether, “But, hey, whatever's going on, stop trying to hide it. I know you Y/N.”

Suddenly the atmosphere turned cold and it felt as though if you took a breath, you would be scalded. An intimidating aura radiated off him in waves, and for an inexplicable second, you were scared. (scared that he would see through you, and scared of what would happen if he did.

Would he finally realize you were a fraud?

An alien living in human clothing?

You couldn’t bear the thought.)

But instead of all that, you did what you always did. You put on a mask.

“Satoru. Nothing’s wrong, I just didn’t get much sleep. You did wake me up at the break of dawn,” you roll your eyes with a small smile on your face.

Your response seemed to relax Satoru and he offered you a chuckle in return. He gave you a two-finger salute and said, “Alright, whatever you say. I know you can take care of yourself. But still, take it easy.”

As you watched him walk away, for mere moments you wondered what would have happened if it was Ṡ̶̡̱̩͌ų̵̨̘̣̪̝̫̞̤̓̄̈́͗͋g̴̡̹̙̱̳̟̱͇̺̍̒̓̃̅͛ͅů̴̢̨̬͎̼͓̼͚͉̊́̊̏̏͌̚̕͝r̴̢̞̱̣̟̬̞͋̔̆͆̿͒̕͜ụ̸̩̬͑͋̈́̂̉̉̚͠

instead.

(He would see through you immediately.)

You walk in the opposite direction.

୨♡୧

Perhaps you should have thought more deeply about the pain associated with organs that were on their literal last strand. You weren’t unfamiliar with this pain, after all, prior to the incident back in high school, you walked, fought, ate, and slept with this type of pain. Well, with time everything can seem to be a faded memory, and that reality was clear to you reliving this pain.

You dangle over the roof, one leg up as you rest your cheek against your knee and the other straight down as you toy with your curved blade.

Earlier, you had sensed a concentrated amount of cursed energy. Not in the sense of a powerful being but more so several small fries gathered in one area. You were waiting for them to reveal their stupid faces so you could get this over with and go walk around Kyoto. It had been ages and you were itching to see if Odasaku-sama was still around.

With impeccable timing, you perk up when you feel the cursed energy moving. When you peek down you see a group of blobs attaching themselves to humans on the street.

“It’s about time,” you frown.

Parkouring your way down to the building, you wrap your cursed energy around you to speedily zoom past the crowd and slow down time. You danced around the bodies, slicing one after the other and watching their bodies disintegrate into air. In a way, your movements were akin to a ballerina dancing and soon, you had gotten rid of them all and snapped your fingers to release the pressure on the space-time continuum you put.

There’s a burning in your throat.

Crap.

You start coughing, and passerby's give you a quick one over to see if you’re okay but you hide the blood fairly well. Peeking at your hands you are met with dark crimson red. Your vision starts flashing and reality distorts. You see flashes of that dark room and blood everywhere, on the floor, the walls, and your hands. They’re just so red, it looks so wrong.

No, no, please no.

Your grip on the real world was so loosened you didn’t even notice three passerby's surrounding you and asking if you were okay. Tears prick at your eyes and an involuntary thought flashes through your mind.

Satoru-

“Excuse me, let me just squeeze through.”

Mid wheeze, you see a barely distinguishable head of white hair as you’re slowly coming back. Said figure desperately reaches out for you and you can make out a concerned expression on his face. It almost looked like fear. (But that was ridiculous. Gojo Satoru was never afraid. Even when he lost the one man he truly loved, he barely shed a tear.)

You feel as he gently grabs you and lifts you up bridal style while whispering in your ears, “Relax, I’m here.”

He’s always had the best timing.

Eventually, you make it past the crowd. By that time, you were out of your episode and sitting beside Satoru on a bench. He was stubbornly holding your hand, and the feeling of his large fingers sent your heart into a frenzy. His gaze cuts into your skin yet you still look anywhere but him.

You half expected a scolding but instead, you got, “Y/N are you okay? What happened back there?”

Translation: Those were weak curses how could you possibly be coughing up blood?

Time to put your lying skills to use.

“Sorry, I still have some damage from one of my last fights so Shoko said I might be coughing blood here and there as I recover but it's nothing to worry about,” you smoothly mention.

If there was one fact you could exploit about Satoru, it was that he took whatever Shoko said at face value. He trusted her wholeheartedly and even if he went to her, you knew your friend. She would never tell him your actual condition. Doctor-patient confidentiality was a firm rule she stood by despite all the other rules she broke getting her license.

“I definitely don’t think there’s nothing to worry about,” he comments and at this point, you’re starting to internally panic a bit. He usually never gets this pushy and he’s watching you like a hawk. Any wrong move and he will immediately see the issue. Your plan couldn’t afford to go to waste.

Nonetheless, you stand your ground when you respond, “I understand you’re concerned but-”

“No you don’t understand,” Satoru raised his voice and your eyebrows raised.

He rarely raised his voice.

Seriously, what is going on?

A part of you is slightly irritated and as you open your mouth to rebuttal, Satoru slides closer to you. He lifts the hand his holding and places his other hand on top. Bringing your hand with both of his to his forehead he says, “Y/N you’re my friend, I care about you.”

“I don’t want to lose you.”

You freeze.

“Take care of yourself, Y/N, please” the black-haired male begs, his hands gripping your shoulders tightly. His body is shaking and he looks at you with desperation, tears pricking in his eyes. He searches your eyes for anything, anything at all.

But there was nothing. They were lifeless.

He crosses his arms underneath his head as support when he lies down on your lap, sobbing. His back quivers as he cries, and cries, and cries. That’s when you slowly start coming back away from that dark, dark place to see the remnants of your anguish on your arms.

“I can’t lose you,” he chokes.

You break.

You start crying and you pull him up into your arms. Nearly collapsing on you, he falls into your embrace as the two of you hug each other tightly and he cries into your shoulder. You run your hand down his back and whimper, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

He cries louder and you just keep apologizing and apologizing, neither of you letting go.

“I love you Y/N.”

“I love you too, my nightingale.”

Clearing your throat, you ignore the sudden weight you felt on your shoulders; a fog nonconsensually clouding your mind.

“Alright, I’m sorry for making you worry. I’ll be more careful,” you curtly remark looking down at your lap.

An i love you nearly slips from your lips, but you are not sure who you are saying it to.

There’s silence, and then a sigh. Arms pull you into an embrace and you nearly gasp. Realization slowly hits you. Satoru is hugging you. He’s hugging you.

He cradles you gently, arms around your back as he mumbles to himself, “What am I going to do with you.” Hesitantly, you return the gesture and almost shudder when you hear his voice close to your ear say, “Just be careful okay?”

“Okay,” you quietly respond.

“Good girl.”

A fierce blush finds its way to your face but Satoru doesn’t notice, thank God. The two of you pull away from the hold and adjust yourselves back to your normal seat.

You glance up at the moon and call, “Hey Satoru?”

“Yes Y/N?”

“Can we go find Odasaku-sama’s truck? Like good old times?”

“Of course, we can.”

Notes:

i have the next three chapters lined up and lets just say im going to be blessing you with angst and satoru y/n moments. but until next time, its time for me to go back on my schoolwork grind. leave your thoughts in the comments!!

Chapter 5: chapter five

Notes:

all i have to say is that i'm sorry.
cw/tw: detailed depictions of depression, considering suicide, mention of suicide method, trauma from death of loved ones

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Every night he visited your dreams.

Usually, he visited you in the quiet serenity of his bedroom. The two of you were curled into each other like puzzle pieces that were meant to link. His hand would be under your shirt, rubbing your back in soothing circles. You’d be exploring the curved slope of his neck.

When the moon would gloss your bodies he would say his first, “I love you.” Then he’d say it again, and again until he carved his devotion into your very bones. His eyes were always so gentle and you would feel as though the universe created the moon and sun in the image of the two of you.

You cry to God, ‘how could you create the most perfect foil for me.’

You find his answer in the warmth of Suguru's hands.

He’d ask you trivial questions like, “Why do you love me?” “Why did you choose me?”

You would always respond, “How could I not? You were the wish I didn’t know would ever come true.”

In return, he’d deliver promises in the form of kisses down the length of your arm, paying attention to each scar with the utmost care, holding you as if you were fragile. Your heart would sing love, love, love!

But every time without fail, he would begin to fade into dust. You would watch as he smiled at you, allowing himself to disintegrate, and the arms you had once around his body clutched nothing but the ghostly form of him.

Next time, you prayed your dream would swallow you up with him.

Next time, you wished you would never wake up.

୨♡୧

Today was worse than most days. Dug from the depths of your stomach, your grief unequivocally poured like a faucet with no drain. The embarrassment of breaking like that in front of Satoru also finally caught up with you.

So much for being strong.

So much for being a protector.

You couldn’t even stand the sight of blood after all you’ve been through. You were a failure, through and through. You were doing the world a favour by slowly fading from existence.

(Curses don’t bleed,

but humans do,

and it’s so hauntingly sad, so terrifyingly silent.)

You could feel yourself unraveling at the seams as you curled into yourself. Most days you could keep yourself under control, but sometimes you had episodes, where all you could remember is all you lost.

In those times you like to ponder how people can accept death so easily. How can they just let go? How can they learn to forget their faces, and their voices, what they ordered from the coffee shop, and how they liked their eggs.

You remember every detail vividly.

You glance up at the clock, 10:54 am.

Satoru was out killing his curses. He left a note for you telling you he’d be back at 9 pm and to take a break if you needed it. A part of you was offended by the fact Satoru thought you needed to rest from a little blood but it passed when a voice in the back of your head said he was just being considerate.

Regardless, you forcefully uncoiled yourself from your blanket despite your body loudly protesting, every movement sending a dull ache throughout.

One part of you felt the urge to grab a gun and shoot a bullet through your head, make it quick and fast, so this inexplicable sadness, this familiar emptiness would just fade. But you made no movement to commit to that thought.

The logical part of your brain was telling you to get up, take a walk, see nature, and do something. But you couldn’t bring yourself to move. Your mind and body were exhausted head to toe. You were drained for all you had and all you could be.

You feel a presence in front of you and you mumble, “Not now Suguru.”

There is no movement, but your hallucinations always felt so real, yet so fake.

You look up and he’s watching you with a blank look in his eyes. A tired smile comes to your face as you drink in the form of the man you loved with everything you had.

“Did you know that you saved me Suguru?”

The two of you are looking at each other, him standing with his head craned down, and you looking up at him with the smallest hope.

Then you chuckle sadly and look down at your lap again, “But, now, I'm beyond saving.”

“I think I’ll have to come to you soon Suguru. I’m finally ready.”

When you look back up he was gone.

୨♡୧

When Satoru comes home, he half expects you to be strung across the couch watching your favourite show. He walks into the hotel room, bag of food strung over his shoulder, and yells, “Y/N I brought food!”

When you don’t respond he calls again, “Where are you?”

He walks up to your closed bedroom door and he rationalizes, ‘she must be sleeping.’

Instead, he was met with the sight of the corpse of you, unmoving on the bed staring into nothing. There are a bunch of cigarette butts littering the ground.

The sight of you looked so wrong. You should be smiling that soft smile you always had. You should be walking around with that calming aura you always had, head held high in confidence. Not wasting away in a bed that doesn’t belong to you, with eyes clearly red from crying.

He feels pain in his chest and he reaches out, “Y/N are you-“

“Please leave Satoru.”

He nearly flinches.

He recognized that tone, and his brain was crying not again, not again, please not again.

“I’m not leaving, what's wrong?”

He couldn’t let you slip through his fingers. He couldn’t. He couldn’t. He just couldn’t.

But then he heard words he thought would never leave your mouth.

“I know you don’t want me. You don’t have to pretend because Suguru is dead.”

His blood ran cold.

“Y/N,” he said his voice dangerously dark, “You know that’s not true.”

At that moment he wanted to beg you to tell him you weren’t actually thinking this way. That after all this time he didn’t see your relationship as pity.

“You don’t need to lie Satoru,” you say softly, and an unwilling tear slips from your ear as your voice cracks, “I know you keep me around because Suguru wanted us to be friends. I know you don’t actually care about me like how I care about you.”

Sobs are fully wrecking your body now and Satoru’s hand is shaking. He wants to swoop you into his arms and make you stop crying and tell you it's a lie but he can’t seem to reach you. You felt untouchable and for moments it was as though you were the one who possessed infinity and not him.

“But I still hate being kept around out of pity. I hate that you hate me. I wish you didn’t dislike me but I get it, I'd probably not like my boyfriend's ex either.”

Satoru felt his heart stop.

You knew?

You looked at him and chuckled quietly, “Look at you. Your eyes say it all Satoru. For someone with six of them, you can be quite blind.”

Continuing, you reminisce, staring at your hands, “I’ve known all along, it was obvious - the way you two looked at each other. I was a little sad but mostly happy. All I ever did was destroy him. He was always so sad when he was with me, but with you, why, he looked at you as if you hung the stars in the sky.”

“I know you didn’t like me, but Satoru, I still liked you so much.

When you glance up at him again, he looks devastated. Concluding, you say, “I thought you were the coolest person I’ve ever met.”

When silence falls, it feels suffocating for Satoru. He wants to let everything out at once, to tell you everything he thinks and feels, but he settles for coming to sit on the bed beside you and saying, “I don’t hate you Y/N. You’re my best friend. You should know that. I married you because you are the person I’m closest to in this world.”

“Stop lying,” you beg.

“I’m not,” he insists, “I don’t hate you Y/N. I don’t. Maybe when we were younger I had some unresolved jealousy towards you, but we have grown up. How could you think I still hate you after everything we’ve been through? I don’t let just anyone be as close to me as you.”

(Lonely, he was so lonely at the top. He always was. Even though he has still devoted himself to this position, he finds himself looking down at you from the mountain he stands as you reach your hand out to him, again, and again. He never takes it, how could he burden you, but he feels comforted by the fact you’re there.)

“But you still love Suguru, Satoru. I know you do. So why do you still not hate me? How could you possibly claim to care about me?”

“How could I not?” He says, like a secret confession. He wipes your tears away with his thumb and says, “You’re the kindest, strongest woman I've ever known.” He pauses and adds, “Don’t tell Shoko I said that.”

A dry laugh leaves your body and Satoru nearly relaxes. But you still look rather unsteady so Satoru does what he does best.

“As a reward for being my favourite person,” he watches the slightest tinge of pink come on your cheeks after those words, cute, “I’ll graciously grant you the privilege of asking me any question your heart desires.”

You deadpan at him and then snort, “You narcissist.”

He dramatically falls onto your lap so that his head is against your legs and he's staring up at you, “If you’re ungrateful you can just say that.” He’s relieved that you look a little calmer.

Notes:

i wrote this in my bed, now its time to get ready to study... again. let me know your thoughts!!
link to spotify playlist for this ff: open.spotify.com/playlist/3wflZlSDWVOKMjV7PW1XZr?si=37b33173641641e9

Chapter 6: chapter six

Notes:

so sorry for the late update guys: i had so many midterms but im free for a little bit so i got to write this.
not gonna lie, this is one of the hardest chapters ive had to write. not only because its actually… fluffy… but i hope i did justice to satoru and y/n’s relationship. I definitely am not completely in love with this chapter yet.
but a more fun announcement!!
if we can get this story to 150 likes on quotev and 150 kudos on ao3 i will be releasing a yuuji and nobara platonic oneshot, with angst, of course, because that's all my skillset consists of; exploring love, ruining fictional characters lives and metaphors.
it’s fun to see how my writing continues to evolve, especially after being so out of practice with writing fanfiction. i promise as well guys, once i finish i am gonna go grab a coffee, start at the beginning and mass edit it (i dont have beta readers so im just trying to work on this as much as i can).
without further ado, enjoy the one and only time this fanfiction will see joy
tw/cw: mentions of being suicidal, drinking as a form of punishment

Chapter Text

52. That was the total of curses you and Satoru had taken care of in the past week.

To be fair, you still weren’t technically done, you had a week left but you definitely had gotten rid of 99% of the curses in the area.

So what were you and Satoru doing now?

“These glasses don’t really suit my aesthetic,” Satoru frowns, gently tossing them back in the pile. You let out another exasperated sigh as he inspects another one and tries them on, swiping his hair back and ignoring the girls gushing excitedly near him.

Unfortunately, you were stuck shopping with your dear husband. Yay.

Satoru dragged you out today to go out on an outing. At first, you nearly freaked out, repeating it was basically like a date in your head to the point you did your makeup extra nicely and picked a nice black long-sleeved crop top and leather pants, all accented with gold jewelry.

If you knew this is what he had in mind you would fight tooth and nail to stay at the hotel. Mind you, your energy levels were already low, to begin with. You woke up with a deep ache in your body, and a deafening pain in your abdomen; more so than usual.

Despite your inner complaints, you reminded yourself to be patient regardless. Satoru had really been kind to you these past couple of days. Oftentimes you had depressive episodes and you knew it was hard to deal with those kinds of circ*mstances, yet Satoru navigated through each wave like he already knew your soul. To an extent that was true.

Satoru huffs and discards the glasses again and grumbles, “Really, they don’t have one nice set. This is why we should have started with Gucci.”

He scans you up and down and co*cks an eyebrow. You feel self-conscious for a minute but your thoughts are easily interrupted when he comments, “Why aren’t you buying anything? You have my other card.”

“Nah I’m good.”

A frown kisses his lips and he mumbled under his breath, “This won’t do.”

He gently grabs your hand and starts walking outside of the store. The movement nearly makes you flinch, this was certainly new.

“C'mon, let’s go elsewhere,” he said, walking past the looks of clearly disappointed girls, (although it did catch a couple of them ogling you as well.)

Thus commenced Satoru dragging you to every store and giving you clothes to try on and trying his own on. You had already walked out of three different stores with shopping bags, mostly with Satoru’s clothes but also the stuff he made you buy. Honestly, you weren’t fond of shopping for yourself. Especially since you had already decided on leaving this world sometime soon, it didn’t feel right to waste any more money from other people and just prepare for your fate.

But, Satoru was very pushy. In the current store you were in, he practically shoved a bunch of dresses in your head and forced you to the dressing rooms as if you were going on timeout.

You grunted as you tried to zip up your dress to no avail. You cursed under your breath and silently peeked out of your dressing room to try and find someone to help you. Unfortunately, the workers were occupied. But, luckily enough, Satoru was just within viewing distance that he caught your eye and immediately came over, thinking you were waiting to show him the outfit.

When he approaches you ask, “Satoru, can you help me zip this up, it’s stuck.”

You nearly miss him freezing and you furrow your eyebrows at him. Soon, he snaps out of whatever weird trance he was in and coughed, “Okay sure, why not.”

Knowing that Satoru was acting weird, you chose to ignore it as you usually do. Sometimes he has strange behaviour and you and Shoko found that the best way to deal with it is to just pretend it didn’t happen.

Guiding him inside, you gesture towards the golden zipper and clarify, “Right here, I can’t seem to pull it up past this point.”

“Let’s see,” Satoru hums. You feel cold fingers gently graze the nape of your neck, brushing all your hair to the front. The mirror reveals a focused Satoru, long eyelashes exposed with the tilt of his sunglasses as he looks down. Breath hitches in your throat, and you quickly focus your attention on the floor.

So unfair, so incredibly unfair that he looks like that. It always catches you off guard and you don’t know what to do with yourself.

“Done,” he lowly rumbles against your ear. His arms coil around your waist and hug you to him, causing a squeak to erupt from your lips embarrassingly. Resting his chin on top of your head, he makes eye contact with you through the mirror, “You look rather lovely in this dress.”

You could barely even hear his comments, your head was racing from the close proximity. Seriously, why does this guy have no sense of personal space? Him giving you mini heart attacks might honestly kill you before organ failure does.

But, you had to agree with him. The dress was plain black and stopped halfway on your thigh. It was loose and satin and framed you very beautifully. Every curve from your hips to the slope of your stomach was on display, yet, you had never felt more pretty.

Contrary to your sentiments of admiring its aesthetic value, he announces, “Let’s buy this immediately.”

In a split second, you reject him, “No, you’ve already bought so much Satoru. I don’t even have a place to wear these; half the time we are wearing the school uniform anyway.”

He simply shrugs in return, “It doesn’t matter to me.”

It seems that Satoru’s opinion was the only relevant one because the next thing you know you’re already at the counter and he’s swiping his card. Of course, he didn’t even give your denial the time of day. The cashier is visibly shaking as he hands the bag to Satoru. Well, guess we can add one more lovestruck teenager to the list.

Grumbling at Satoru results in a, “Relax Y/N, just let me do nice things for you.”

A part of you wanted to wail and tell him how useless this was, that soon you would have no need for this and all of this stuff will just take up meaningless space in his home. That when you’re dead and buried he’ll resent you for needlessly spending his money just to off yourself. You felt yourself becoming more and more distressed and Satoru clearly noticed and wrapped his arm around your shoulder, gently rubbing the side and comforting you, “Let’s go get some food. How about we go to the food court?”

You nod, pushing back your darkened mood, mainly because of guilt. It was unbearable to entertain the thought of ruining the atmosphere after all Satoru has done for you today.

He gives you a gentle smile and then leads you out of the store. This particular mall had a rather large array of options to choose from. As you turn your head to scan the options you nearly freeze.

It all comes rushing back to you because of one name.

“Where are you taking me?” you giggle as he leans across to give you a gentle kiss on the lips. Melting immediately into his touch, he resists the urge to grin at your cuteness. You were so adorable, he felt honoured to see this side of you.

“It’s a surprise, Y/N,” he teases, starting up the car and pulling out of the driveway.

Scowling, you respond, “I don’t like surprises. You know that.”

With a gentle roll of his eyes, he immediately picks up speed in his car. He had always been a rather rambunctious driver, easily reaching 55mph in a 40 zone. Turning to grin at you as the stars illuminate your vision of him, he says, “We are going to-”

Chrissy’s Cones.

Your guilt hit you like a train. Here you were, enjoying yourself. Parading around with shopping bags in hand, cooing over your husband like some high schooler and you had forgotten Suguru. You forgot what it felt like to long for him every day and every night. You forgot how he was always in the back of your mind. Nausea slowly crept into you and it felt like you could puke at any second.

“Hey Y/N what’s-”

“Satoru, can we actually go home?”

Ever so patient, he asks you, clearly startled, “Why?”

“Let’s change,” you impulsively say, “I want to go clubbing.”

You knew you didn’t want to. He knew you hated clubbing.

Only you knew your true intentions, and you could feel him trying to decipher you like ancient code.

(You wanted to drink your guts out and apologize and apologize and apologize.

This is your own punishment.)

He responds, “Okay.”

୨♡୧

The chill air continues to blow with vigor; like a promise yet to be fulfilled. It gives Satoru an incredible sense of serenity, almost as though he didn’t exist at all. Like nothing mattered. Like he wasn’t the strongest. Like he wasn’t Satoru Gojo.

Tonight's car of choice was a classic red. He decided against bringing a sports car knowing people can be wild. Currently, he was waiting for you to show up. You had entered the hotel in a swift hurry to get changed.

Honestly, he thought your outfit before was good enough for the club, but he just let you do whatever you want.

Click, clack.

The sound of heels turns his attention to you and he stills. There you were, clad in black, strapped heels and a dark red smearing your lips like a mystery.

You had a cigarette in your mouth and your hair down, painted in the image of a heroine from a film. Satoru couldn’t pin what, but you looked off. He spotted red under your eyes and your posture was slouched. You walked straight and proud.

That said, he knew that look in your gaze well. That determined look means you would trap away all your feelings, and throw away the key. Reopening those wounds would only backfire on him.

Instead, he smiles, “Well Mrs. Gojo, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?”

You take a drag of your cigarette and exhale. Flashing a gentle smile you murmur, “Thank you. Shall we get going?”

He nods but points to your cigarette, “Alright, but toss that out. You know how I feel about smoking in the car.”

A displeased look graces your features but you obey nonetheless, taking a final drag before stomping it on the ground. Satoru offers out his hand and you take it like it’s only natural. Opening the car door for you, he helps you take a seat before he takes his own.

“Hold on tight Y/N,” he grins at you, forearm resting on the back of his seat, “We will be taking a couple of shortcuts.”

୨♡୧

When Satoru said shortcuts you didn’t think he meant attempted murder. Certainly, that’s what this car ride felt like. You were holding on for dese life and you frantically scribbled out a car accident as a potential method to die.

You reach the club rather fast after the strenuous journey. As soon as the two of you get out you feel eyes on both of you, scrutinizing your every movement. It would be a lie to say you aren’t used to this. Satoru attracts attention wherever he goes. It’s not often you see a man with white hair that just so happens to look like an angel.

When you get inside, the booming music nearly makes you flinch. The lights are flashing and bodies are huddled together. You feel Satoru grab your wrist and his low voice hum, “Stay close, okay?”

Reluctantly, you agree and make eye contact with the reason you came in the first place. The alcohol.

Now, you could’ve just gone to a bar in the first place, but your underlying goal was to lose Satoru. You didn’t want him to see you drink away your sorrows until you lost your sense of self.

Approaching the bartender you ask, “Four shots of tequila please.”

She winks at you, “Coming right up gorgeous.”

You turn to Satoru who’s watching you with an unreadable expression and say, “Go dance. I just want to drink for a bit.”

“But-“

“Toru,” you cup his cheek, “Go enjoy yourself, okay? I’ll be right there with you in a flash.”

His facial expression looks pained but he bites away his words and instead settles for holding his hand against your own and leaning into your touch. A part of you saw vulnerability at that moment and you wondered why was he looking out for you so much.

You didn’t want him to.

You couldn’t bear for him to.

(You had lived with your decision thinking Satoru didn’t care about you.

How could you bear going through with your decision knowing he might?

What were you supposed to do

Were you supposed to choose your peace or his happiness?)

“Okay,” he eventually concedes, “I’m going to come back though in twenty minutes if you aren’t done.”

He gently removes your hand and cradles it with both of his, moving it to his lap. Satoru’s forehead comes to gently touch yours, his eyes fluttering shut, but yours remain open all the same.

“I care about you, okay? I know something is wrong. But I also know you need your space. But I’m here for you. I'm yours.”

Your heart fluttered at the last two words. You knew he didn’t mean it like that. But still, still, you hoped.

“Thanks, Satoru.”

He opens his eyes and scans you once again, before sighing and getting up to merge into the crowd. You watch as his white hair fades until he’s in the depths of the people.

“Four shots of tequila,” you hear the bartender call. You turn to her and she smirks at you, “All yours pretty lady.”

You chuckle, “Thanks,” before downing the first shot easily. She lifts an eyebrow at your adamancy and whistles, “Damn, you’re a unit aren’t you?” She mutters something under her breath you can’t catch, but with the way she’s eyeing you, you figure sooner or later you should take your leave.

You run through your shots very fast and after who knows how many you are fully drunk. The bartender keeps her eye on you as you remained slumped, cheek against the countertop as you slowly blinked to keep yourself conscious. Yes, this is the sensation you were craving. Complete bliss and detachment.

Then you see him.

Your eyes widen and it feels as though the entire room freezes.

Suguru.

Whether from a drunken stupor or pure hope, you couldn’t bring yourself to question whether it was real or an illusion. All that mattered was that he was there. Alive. Beautifully, hopelessly, tragically alive.

When you make eye contact, it feels as though you’ve been resurrected. Like flowers from your lungs had been ripped from the root. Like the sun came out the next morning. Like nothing ever went wrong. Relief. Happiness. And so, so much love.

Your legs move before you realize, approaching him in long strides. You hear the bartender call out to you, but you’re focused through the haze of your mind to get to that blurry figure.

You soon meet him face to face. Though his face seemed foggy, you were clinging to the features you had glanced at a distance in your momentary clarity or delusion. He sets his alcohol aside and you hear a smirk, “Hey doll how you been?”

If you were sober you’d know that wasn’t his voice. That wasn’t his smell. He would never dress like that. He never called you doll before.

But you didn’t care.

Your vision is hazy but you see the image of Suguru in front of you.

“You’re just as beautiful as the day I lost you.”

You feel a hand cup your cheek and you reflexively kiss it, not putting much thought into the action at all. Eyes flitting across every one of his features; the slant of his eyes, the curve of his nose, the soft smirk on his lips.

“You’re not another one of my hallucinations, are you? Well, it’s okay if you are. I’ve never been able to touch you before.”

Suguru’s mouth moves oddly as he speaks, “Well that’s a funny thing to say,” he chuckles, “Don’t think a girl has ever said that to me before.”

A laugh leaves your lips, your mind not even acknowledging the mention of other women (even if Suguru had someone else you wouldn’t care. You weren’t worthy of his love anyway.)

You feel an arm sinking around your waist and your heart is beating faster and faster and suddenly there's warm air against your ear, “Can I kiss you, pretty girl?”

With not the slightest hesitation, you lean into him on your tippy toes whispering, “How could I deny you?”

He smirks and your heart skips a beat, “You’re quite the sweet talker.”

The two of you are closing in on each other, and everything feels familiar yet new at once when a hand wrenches you by the shoulder and sends you tumbling into a firm chest.

A familiar voice growls against your ear, “What are you doing?

You turn and a chill runs down your spine. You are met with a livid expression on his face. The sight is enough to sober you slightly. You had never seen him so furious before.

His attention snaps to the man, who is very much not Suguru and he lifts your hand, “See that? That's a wedding ring. Don’t take advantage of my wife, or any woman for that matter ever again you dickhe*d.”

Then you’re crying. It wasn’t Suguru after all. He was dead. He was still dead. Why was he dead?

Your body shook with every motion and Satoru’s anger immediately melted away as the non-Suguru scurried off.

“Hey,” he gently says, wiping your tears with his thumb, “Don’t cry, why are you crying Y/N?”

“I’m sorry,” you started hyperventilating, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

He looks petrified watching you wail and shakily says, “Let’s get you back.”

୨♡୧

On the way back to the hotel you were hysterically apologizing to him. Even when you entered your bedroom, were forced to change your clothes, and then lie on the bed courtesy of Satoru, sorry’s were the only thing leaving your lips.

“I’m sorry Satoru I’m-“

“Why are you sorry Y/N, we aren’t even married for real.”

The air goes silent for a while.

Satoru immediately regrets his words and then you quietly say, “I know. But I shouldn’t have kissed him thinking he was Suguru. He’s yours.”

Your words stabbed him like a knife. There were so many things he wanted to say, so many things he didn’t know how to say. All his envy, all his love, all of his realizations.

He wanted to confess to you like he was a sinner on his dying day. He wanted to say everything he thought and felt. He wanted to tell you that although Suguru was his home, you were his sanctuary. He wanted to tell you your love wasn’t a crime.

“He’s not mine Y/N.”

He smiles at you, as you stare at him with wavering eyes, “It’s okay Y/N, you don’t need to walk eggshells around me. It’s okay to love him. He loved you too.”

“But Satoru-“

He hushes you as he comes to lie next to you. His hands rest against your cheeks as he softly leaves a kiss on your forehead. You didn’t move, an indistinguishable look in your eyes.

“Suguru loved us both. But he’s gone Y/N, okay? We need to live for the future, for the children, for Megumi and Itadori and Maki and Shoko and everyone.”

(He did not know at that moment the plans that made their deplorable home in your mind. He would never know you couldn’t bear to live anymore without Suguru, to live with this depression, to live with this terror.)

Instead, you resign yourself to, “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Good girl,” he praises. He lifts the blanket over the two of you and insists, “Get some rest, okay? I’m here. I don’t hate you.”

“Okay.”

୨♡୧

Satoru falls asleep first as you watch him. His body rises gently with every breath, and his face barely moves from its perfect neutral expression.

You loved this man.

You loved him so much.

How could he forgive you?

How could he still care about you when his own boyfriend prioritized you against your will?

How could he be so heartlessly kind?

You kiss his cheek gently before settling against his chest and whispering, “Goodnight my-“

“-dove!”

Suguru fake-vomits and Satoru scrunches his nose.

“Dove, really,” Suguru scoffs, “It's almost worse than mine.”

“I think it's rather fitting. Do you know what doves symbolize?”

“Oh do tell me, oh great bird whisperer,” Satoru mocks.

You playfully slap his shoulder pouting and you whisper in his ear as if it's a secret.

“It means freedom.”

When you drift to sleep, you don’t notice the ten missed calls from Shoko.

Chapter 7: chapter seven

Notes:

Hey guys… im back!!! WOOOO!! I know, I know, it’s been forever I’m sorry I had a million midterms again. Even now I have like three things I have to do but I’m going to pump out these chapters soon.
crap hits the fan starting with this chapter. but, itll get betterish, maybe, possibly.
on another note most of the writing from here is pretty smooth sailing! im deciding whether i should release my aot fic or bnha fic first but i honestly might take a break and just write the bnha story first because the aot story is going to be a lot of planning.
i love reading your comments! so please leave your thoughts<3
Lots of TW/CW this chapter: depictions of depression and dissociation, depressive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, character throwing up in toilet, character death, smoking

Chapter Text

Itadori Yuuji was dead.

When Satoru made the deal with the higher-ups, you felt full confidence that nothing would happen. Your students were well capable of protecting themselves - they were strong, intelligent, and highly skilled children. Words could not explain the regret that flooded through every fiber of your body for being so ignorant.

You received the news in the morning. A gentle hum of bright light caused you to slowly rise from your slumber, the early morning meeting you before you were ready. When you had finally committed to waking up, you found yourself being cradled in Satoru’s lap as he was on the phone. Blinking sleepily a couple of times, first, you felt the sensation of his hand in your hair. Then, your vision finally focused on him.

He looked terrified.

Your heart nearly stopped.

Stumbling up, Satoru flinches at the sudden movement. With no infinity barring you, you gently touch his shoulder and scan his face frantically, “Hey, Satoru, what's wrong?”

“Y/N I-”

He was shaking. You had never been more paralyzed by terror.

“Satoru,” your voice unusually firm, “What happened?”

There’s hesitation on his face, and you want to shake him by the shoulders to just spit it out. You wondered if your mental breakdown from the past days was changing his image of you - someone who couldn’t be trusted for fear of falling apart.

No matter what, you would not break.

Then he told you.

As soon as the three words left his mouth, the two of you booked the earliest ticket to go back. You practically broke Shoko’s hospital room door to be met with the sight of Itadori, lying on his back ever so still. Like he never met life. Like he was always this statue.

Satoru has a grim expression. You could tell he was holding back. No longer could he be Satoru, in moments like these he had to be Gojo, the strongest sorcerer. So you watch as he locks up his emotions, helpless to aid him.

Instead, you grab hold of his hand and squeeze it while asking, “What the hell happened?”

Shoko puts a glove on, the rubber snapping as she lets go, “Sukuna took over and ripped the kid's heart out. There was nothing I could do. Sorry, I know how much you two cared about this kid.”

You were barely holding yourself together. You couldn't lose another person. You just couldn’t. How could you bear to live with yourself if you failed another person’s life?

You should’ve been there.

Itadori, Yuuji. The sweetest boy you’ve seen. A smile like honey. Aura like a warm fire. Comfort. But he’s lying there like your memories of him were just that, memories.

“This was intentional,” Satoru finally says.

Shoko scrunches her nose as she resolves to begin wrapping up Itadori. You wanted to scream at her, beg her to stop, yet you couldn’t bring yourself to move. This was wrong.

“They took advantage of the fact that Y/N and I were away and killed two birds with one stone. It’s clear to me now that these flies don’t value their lives. Perhaps I should get rid of them after all.”

Before you can passionately agree, Shoko interjects, “Gojo. Don’t be doing anything stupid.”

Satoru leans back with a smirk that looks like it wasn’t supposed to be placed there.

“Why not? It's about time we got rid of them,” Satoru shrugs, as though killing someone was easy as disposing of a toy.

You drag your hand down your face in frustration, “I agree with Satoru, how much more of this do we have to take? Why do we keep having to ruin our own lives for sorcerors who don’t even contribute to society?”

Shoko narrows her eyes, “Is this a game to you? Do you know how many more people could die because of a revolt? More kids besides Itadori? What if Megumi was lying on this table because of a rebellion? Maki? Inumaki? Are you willing to risk more lives for a cause that may not be fulfilled? For sorcerors with dirty tricks? Who knows what they could be hiding.”

“Are you kidding me right now?” You clench your teeth tears unwillingly streaming down your cheek, “Yuuji is f*cking dead because of these rats. Are you underestimating me? Because so help me, I will f*cking freeze time for as long as it takes, even if it tears down my every bone if that was the only option to kill them.”

You and Shoko argued a lot because you two cared so much about each other. But this was the first time you snapped. Everything that has been festering within you has come to fruition.

The room goes silent and you feel Satoru’s hand coming up to gently wipe your tears away.

Shoko pinches the space between her brows and says, “Y/N, I love you, you know that but-“

“What’s going on?”

All three of your heads snap around to see a confused expression.

“Yuuji?!”

୨♡୧

The entire ordeal was shocking; after all, Itadori had quite literally risen from the dead. You have seen a lot of strange things in your time as a sorcerer, but this was something you could have never seen coming.

Satoru’s expression turned into one of extreme joy as if he knew all along that Itadori would pull through. He ruffled his hair like a child and laughed wholeheartedly. You were frozen in place for a while until you yanked Itadori by the arm into a tight hug, lecturing him to be more careful. Even Shoko looked relieved although she didn't act on it. She even privately apologized to you and Satoru, after which you simply hugged her and Satoru patted her head.

Satoru had come up with some crazy plan to keep his identity hidden (likely so he can deal with loose ends in the background) and train him to become even stronger. He would be staying at the apartment with both you and Satoru in the meanwhile. He seemed flustered at first, but you assured him that it was okay.

Three hours had passed since then. The earlier events felt so far away from the present - like they happened in another world. The dichotomy between the cold, dull atmosphere of Shoko’s office and the warm sun made it seem as though none of that was real.

“So Y/N. Are you going to tell me what happened?” Nanami grunts sliding over the coffee he just bought you.

“Ah right.”

It's hard to believe one moment you were agonizing over everything you should’ve done and the next you’re sitting peacefully in a buzzing cafe with Nanami. It was a sickening reminder that even if it seems like your world is ending, the Earth doesn’t care. She doesn’t shed a tear. She doesn’t stop and mourn. She doesn’t fall silent.

She keeps revolving.

“Yuuji died, but he was resurrected by a deal with Sukuna,” you begin.

Nanami co*cks an eyebrow. You could understand his surprise, after all, you nearly collapsed into Satoru’s arms at the sight. That doesn’t happen often, but the pure relief of it all being okay was almost too much.

(You think back to all the times it could’ve ended this way with the other sorcerers. If you had made a deal with Suguru instead of begging him to come back, would he be alive right now? Would he be in your place, married to Satoru? Would he kiss him every morning and night, and share their hearts openly, painfully.)

“I see,” Nanami pauses for a while. A waitress approaches the table and asks if he wants anything else to which he politely declines. He scrutinizes your face before saying, “Are you okay now?”

Were you okay? You wanted to say yes but the words lodged in your throat.

Nanami says what you both know, “You were too scared to lose someone else, weren’t you?”

Silence.

He sighs, “Y/N,” he reaches out to hold the top of your hand in a comforting gesture, “Do you think maybe it’s time to let go of Suguru?”

You freeze. A part of you wanted to scream at him for even daring to suggest that. Move on from Suguru? How could you dare even harbour those thoughts? Suguru who bandaged your self-inflicted injuries. Suguru who noted your friendship anniversary, couple anniversary, and first kiss anniversary so he could buy you roses on each day. Suguru who told you to live?

“I’m not telling you to stop grieving, Y/N. It takes years to be okay again. But, Y/N you won’t even let yourself heal. You keep holding onto this pain like it’s a punishment. Do you think it was your fault? Because it’s not, Suguru betrayed us. He decided to go on a killing spree. Do you still think he was the same man you love?”

He read you like a book. Of course, he did. Nanami knew you inside out. When you broke up with Geto, he was the first person you ran to and you sobbed in his and Shoko’s arms the whole night.

“Nanami, when Haibara died, did you ever truly get over it?” You swirl a circle on the top of your cup.

He doesn’t say anything for a long while and ambiguously responds, “I can function.”

You offer him a sad smile and look out the window, “When you truly love someone, even if it seems like the pain from losing them is gone, it hits you full force when you least expect it.”

Your eyes slightly widen as you drift into the deeper parts of your brain. The hands of depression caress your back like a hug, “Then you’re back to square one, and wondering why nothing feels right. Like why is there air? Why is there grass? Why do we live the way we do? Why is there Earth? Is there a meaning to it at all? Is there any meaning without Suguru? Then my head goes blank because I never wanted to imagine a world without him, but now I live it every single day.”

You’re squeezing his hand, “Nanami I still love him so much. I feel it with every breath I take. I would have followed him to the ends of the Earth if he asked me. I would have done anything to save him. I know he turned evil. But, I lay awake and I wonder if things could have been different. I guess a part of me is just grieving the future we couldn’t have.”

Nanami nods and then raises his hand, “Can I get the tab.” The waitress grins and nods her head.

Nanami turns to you and you feel your heart crush, “I understand Y/N. Suguru didn’t deserve your unconditional love.”

“I don’t deserve you,” Suguru shakes as you hold back his hair as he vomits his guts out. You want to tell him how much you love him, that you thought at night perhaps you were born just to meet him. But you restrained your thoughts. Right now, he didn’t need a lover, he needed his family who would never leave his side. Besides, the lover role wasn’t yours anymore.

“You do Suguru, if anything I don’t deserve you,” it was true. In your time dating, never once did you feel like you did.

Suguru’s head snaps up as he coldly refutes your self-degradation, “You’re perfect Y/N, but I’m going insane. I can’t even handle myself. Look at me. I’m shaking over swallowing a measly curse. I’m pathetic.“ He hurls into the toilet again once he finishes his sentence.

“You’re not Suguru. Please stop. What are you doing? Hey,” your voice quivers looking at Suguru who starts scratching himself viciously on the neck. You yell with desperation, “Suguru. Keep your nails away from your throat. Stop it now.”

“…N, Y/N are you there?”

You snap back into reality, having to blink a few times to become fully present and away from the dissociative feeling. Nanami patiently waits and pays the newly arrived tab in the meantime. When you look ready he continues, “Y/N, are you here.”

“Yes, I am,” you softly say.

Nanami’s voice turns tender, “Tell me if I’m crossing a boundary, okay?”

You nod, a spike of fear shooting through your chest. It’s fine, it’s Nanami. You love him. He’s like your brother.

“I want you to be happy Y/N. But, I see you practically forcing yourself to be okay. You dissociate and hallucinate so much I’m scared that one day you’ll be caught off guard. You were so much happier when we were in high school.”

Each word felt like stepping on pins and needles, he landed the final blow when he said, “I think you should consider therapy.”

Your head shoots up and with the quietest voice you say, “What?”

Nanami sighs, “You and I both know Y/N, this is self-destructive. You walk around as if you’ve lost half of yourself.”

“It’s because I have,” a wounded whimper released from your lips. Nanami looks heartbroken at your expression. You were vulnerable, laying out all your scars and turmoil like a tray to be inspected.

“How do you live without a soulmate?”

Nanami couldn’t respond.

୨♡୧

You fiddled with the card Nanami gave you before he left. It was his therapist, a kind lady in her late 50s with lots of life experience. She lost her entire family in a car crash: she knows what it feels like to lose your loved ones

Yet, you couldn’t bring yourself to call the number. Is it even possible for you to heal? Or maybe a better question is, did you want to heal? Would this be a betrayal of Suguru’s life? To try and move on and be happy despite the fact he’s not here anymore? How could it be anything but that?

So what, let’s say you moved on - suicidal tendencies don’t just disappear. They haunt you in every waking moment. As soon as you feel a spark of joy, claws sink into your skin to remind you that there is nothing but misery. That you were born to be empty. That there was a hole within you that could never be filled.

You curse, taking another drag from your cigarette. The buzzing of your phone nearly makes you drop your lighter and you start swearing under your breath while trying to fish it out of your pocket. The caller ID read Shoko<3 .

“What’s up Shoko,” you greet her, blowing a puff of smoke into the air.

“Did Satoru tell you that he’s leaving in a week for a month?”

The cigarette drops from your mouth.

“What?!” you clutch your phone tighter, practically shaking.

Shoko’s voice sounds slightly anxious, “I didn’t know either. I just heard from the principal he’s being assigned to investigate. Things have been weird, Y/N. Well, I mean as weird as it can be living seeing curses. There have been unusual sightings of relatively strong curses, and more importantly, curses that seem more sentient than usual. More, humanlike.”

You had to agree. You and Satoru had been investigating Jogo, the curse Nanami brought information about. The fact that you couldn’t find any sign of his intentions even with both of you investigating was extremely concerning. Not to mention the debrief you got from Shoko about what happened during the mission where Itadori died when he finally left.

But now? When he just came up with the idea to train Itadori?

“Do you know where he is,” you ask Shoko.

She grunts, “My best guess is he’s at your place. I haven’t seen him at all around campus.”

“Alright, thanks Shoko.”

“Of course.”

Running your hand through your hair, you frown, muttering to yourself, “Let’s see what Satoru has to say for himself.”

It only took you twenty minutes to drive back home. It wasn’t too far from the convenience store where you were smoking. To your expectations, when you clicked open the door Satoru was right in front of you, sitting with legs spread on the couch and a file in hand.

The two of you make eye contact and before he has a chance to say anything you say, “You’re going on a mission.”

He hums, setting down his newspaper. Waving you over with a half-baked smirk he says, “Well, it’s almost as if that’s my job sweetheart.”

You don’t acknowledge his invitation to sit next to him, and instead cross your arms and glare at him. “Satoru, what the hell is going on? Itadori is set to move in tonight and you’re leaving for an entire month? Even after what happened the last time we left? Don’t get me wrong Satoru, I know you have a reason for everything but isn’t it too soon to leave the students alone after one of them died fighting special-grade curses?”

Both of you knew that everything you were saying was logical and true. Yet, he takes a second to respond before gently saying, “But you’ll be here.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you furrow your brows.

“Well,” he rests his cheek in the palm of his hand, offering you a smile, “You are the strongest sorcerer left. I think you can keep them all safe.”

A pang shoots through your heart. Trust. Satoru was showing you the trust he had in you. The same man who was secretive about his every move. The same man who used to think he was the only one capable of solving all the problems sorcerers were faced with.

He was trusting you, despite seeing your ugliest sides as of late. Despite knowing how mentally unstable you appeared. Because he thought you were still the best option. The deep-setted ache in your body would yell otherwise, but how touched you felt overrode the blatant truth that you didn’t have much in you left.

But, you couldn’t tell him that. Instead, you begin walking towards him until you’re right in front of him. He looks up at you with anticipation, you could almost visualize his stare behind the blindfold. “Satoru. I know today was hard for you. I just want you to know you can lean on me.”

A chuckle leaves his lips, and his arms reach out to curl around your waist, hugging the side of his cheek to your stomach. There was no infinity between you two.

“I know Y/N. I know.”

Chapter 8: chapter eight

Notes:

I have finally risen from the dead. I am so sorry about taking so long, midterms genuinely had me fighting for my life. Regardless, I hope you missed me. I decided to give a bit of a longer chapter and give what everyone has probably been waiting for: BACKSTORY!!! Well, not all of it, but hopefully you enjoy it regardless.
As always, please leave your thoughts in the comments! I absolutely love reading them: they make my day.
TW/CW: suicidal ideation, depiction of death, really really slight mention of gore, depressive thoughts, mention of drug dealing, mention of exploitation.

Chapter Text

“Suguru,” you start as he braids your hair with such a tenderness you wanted to melt into him.

“Yes, Y/N?”

“I want to die,”

His grip falls slack for a couple of moments and you turn to see the most conflicted expression on his face. You hadn’t been like this for a long time, but ever since you lost that girl, the entire air around Tokyo Jujutsu School was different.

And now Suguru tragically understood.

He gently turns you around and places his forehead to yours, “Then when you decide it’s time, come to me, and we will go together. I won’t let you go alone.”

“What about Satoru, will he hate us?”

He hums, “Perhaps we will ask Satoru to join us too. I’m sure he’s fallen tired as well.”

And you began to cry.

୨♡୧

Some people had cute nicknames as children. Abbreviated from their names and weaved together with delicacy. Sewn together with affection in every thread. Yours was not from love nor gratitude. In fact, it was from the lack thereof.

The village’s orphan.

The sole survivor.

Hopeless child.

Higeki.

You had come from the womb cursed: fit with a mind that never had childlike joy, and had no reason to go on.

Higeki.

You were taken in by your neighbor, a lovely lady named Mizuki in her sixties who told you to not worry about a single thing. Though, worrying had been encoded into your DNA, a puzzle piece that would never slip.

So, the first fourteen years of your life you spent surviving off of your neighbour's payments in exchange for labor. Sometimes it was ordinary tasks like mowing the grass or delivering mail. Other times it was smuggling drugs from the city nearby. All behind Mizuki’s back of course, so you could pay her back one day for raising you and use the rest of the money to leave.

You closed your eyes and dreamed of going to Tokyo, maybe you would be an author. You would carve a reality from your fingertips. Between each sentence on the paper would be a universe in its own right. Maybe, people would read your writing and work towards fighting income inequality so that the 16% of children who were living in poverty in Japan would lower by the year.

Maybe.

Then, the unthinkable happened.

You never believed in ghosts, or the paranormal, or any nonsense of that sort. After all, what could be scarier than the real world?

Later, you saw it with your own eyes. February 3rd, 6:48 pm: you came home from a night of smuggling more drugs. As usual, you went through the normal motions of a typical Sunday night.

Step one: Bring out your assorted bag, you hide it in the space between the chest and bookshelf.

Step two: you clean the dishes Mizuki had left for the morning that she would insist you don’t touch. (You couldn’t bring yourself to ignore it.)

Step three: you go upstairs to check up on Mizuki before going to bed.

When you opened your door, a wave of miasma flooded through you.

Until this day, it was the most horrific sight you had ever seen.

The body of Mizuki, the only parent you’d ever had, was mangled between the jaws of some deformed gray blob. Once breathing, now bloodied, bitten, and torn.

You couldn’t stop yourself from hurling at the sight.

When thething’smenacing crimson eyes turned to you, sheer terror flooded through you. Every instinct was screaming at you to run, yet you couldn’t bring yourself to move.

The gray blob approached you with killing intent, its mouth opening showing its sharp array of teeth. You raised your arms to shield your body. After a few short seconds, you realize you could hear nothing. When you slowly lower your guard you are faced with the same creature but frozen.

With the realization this could be your final chance, you sprinted out of Mizuki’s home into the neighborhood. You screamed for help, pleading for someone to come outside. But, no one did. The streets were barren with snow, and the wind taunted you with every door you passed.

You ran, and ran, and ran with the sole thought that maybe Mizuki could survive this. Maybe you could go back to living together happily. Maybe you would finally call her mom.

Maybe.

Instead, all you received in response to your pleads were your knees caving in as you threw up blood, and then darkness.

When you woke up, you were in an unfamiliar house. The interior was reminiscent of a traditional Japanese style. Quietly lifting yourself out of the bed, you hear the door creak open to see a tall man. To this day, you don’t remember what this stranger, who you now knew as Yaga said to you. Your mind had been fuzzed with too much fear, too much grief, and too much denial. All you could recall was him offering his hand, and you, without anything left, taking it.

୨♡୧

Arriving in Tokyo, you no longer could understand why you held it in such high regard all those years. The sky wasn’t any brighter, it was the same bland blue it always was. The luxurious restaurants you dreamed of attending as paparazzi flanked your every move were simply a waste of money. It was just nutrients nicely packaged in caviar. (You didn’t even eat anymore.) The sights, the destinations, the layout - all of it seemed pathetic. Did people crave seeing man-made buildings that held no value when taking away their attachment to dead people? A part of you felt detached from this world as if you had reached a new form of enlightenment, and in it, you saw humans for what they were. Pathetic.

You were once one of them.

Eventually, you reach outside the school: your new home, though that word feels wrong on your tongue.

“When you go inside Y/N, make sure to make friends with the first years. You will be spending every day with them for the foreseeable future,” the strange man says.

You simply nod in response and follow his lead inside. The hallways felt as though you were walking through memories that did not belong to you, and never would. A part of you considered running far, far away from this place. But, if there’s a chance you could find that curse and kill him for what he did to Mizuki, you would do anything to see it through.

“Alright, we are here. Now, don’t be shy Y/N,” he encourages. Pushing open the door his tone completely shifts and he booms, “First years, I have brought the new student.”

He gestures for you to come inside, and hesitantly you obey. You spot two boys sitting far apart and a girl in between both of them. The white-haired boy and girl were watching the teacher with obvious anticipation. Your attention turns to the black-haired boy who was looking out the window before slowly turning his head. Suddenly, your nerves spiked tenfold. Signaling to you with his hand he says, “This is Y/N, she is the final first year who will be joining you. Her cursed technique is time manipulation.”

“Finally, things are getting interesting around here,” the white-haired boy grins. The girl next to him flicks his forehead and scowls, “Was it not interesting before your majesty?”

He rolls his eyes, “Well no offence, but your cursed techniques are pretty boring.”

The two of them start to bicker and the black-haired boy watches them in silent amusem*nt.

Your first impressions of the first years were drastically different.

Shoko reminded you of a heroine from an old mafia film, she had the type of old Hollywood beauty that poets would preach about. Her aura reflected it as well, she spoke minimally and with purpose.

Gojo was obnoxious. It would be clear, even to a child, that he was self-assured in himself and did not care about anything else. You weren’t sure what to make of that, and you never did well with loud people.

But Suguru left the strongest impression.

Unlike anyone you ever met, when you met his eyes he smiled at youand said nothing else. That’s all. No deceit, no games, no false pretenses in order to get you to commit a crime. He was strange, his act of politeness garnered no reward.

Strange indeed.

୨♡୧

It took you a while to warm up to the three of them. At first, you avoided them every chance you got. Shoko would knock on your dorm door and ask, “Do you want to get ice cream with me and Satoru?” and you would always politely decline.

As it may be, the turning point was a Saturday when you were in your room staring at the wall as though if it melted with your gaze it would solve all your life’s problems. Yet again you had skipped training under the guise of sickness. You knew Yaga was not buying it, but after he personally knew what had happened to you, it seemed he was giving you space until you warmed up to the new environment.

There was a knock on your door.

Like always, you didn’t respond until there was another. Begrudgingly you got out of your comfortable spot in bed. When you opened it, you were greeted by the person you least expected.

“Geto-san?” you say, eyes flickering to the bag cradled in his arms and back up to the soft smile on his face.

“Hi L/N-san, sorry to intrude but I brought snacks and was wondering if you would like to share them with me?”

Well, you certainly didn’t expect this. Unsure of what to say, you nodded still in your head and said, “Okay, come in.”

Suguru walks into your room and gently sets the bag on your desk. Contrary to your expectations, he didn’t look around your room and inspect every barren inch. He simply meticulously took out snacks.

Strange indeed.

“L/N-san, do you prefer regular or vinegar chips,” he asks, holding two bags up.

“Regular,” you say hesitantly, not ever really having tried vinegar chips. He tosses it over to you, before making himself comfortable on your chair and opening his own bag.

“By the way, you can call me Suguru,” he says, plopping a chip in his mouth, “I also brought candy.”

You nod, “Okay, you can call me Y/N too.”

Silence falls on you two for a second before Suguru says, “You know, you should come hang out with us. Satoru has been practically whining about wanting to become friends with you. He keeps talking some random nonsense about how space and time are meant to be.”

For a second you open your mouth to say something, but your mind goes blank. You settle for shrugging.

Suguru gives you a small smile and shakes his head, “You know when I came here, I felt like this place was hell.”

Your eyes flit up to meet his as he continues, “I didn’t really care for this whole curse-hunting thing. If anything, it felt burdensome for me. Soon, as I spent more and more time here I realized, I needed to give this place a chance to give me happiness. No matter how much I convinced myself that I couldn’t make a home out of this place, I came back one day to my dorm room to label it as such.”

He reaches behind him to grab a chocolate bar and tosses it at you. It had a note signed by all three of them saying “Want to be our friend.”

Tears welled up in your eyes and he offered his hand to you, “Give this new life a chance, Y/N.”

୨♡୧

After that day, you began to come out of your shell. Before you knew it, Suguru, Satoru, Shoko, and you clicked. In the first few weeks, you got really close to Shoko, and Satoru and Suguru were like best friends who have known each other since the dawn of time.

You and Suguru were especially close too. Arguably, you’d say you were the closest to him out of anyone else.

Almost every day was spent by Suguru’s side. The two of you orbited around each other like it was always like this. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner sat next to each other with little to no proximity. He knew everything about you.

A month into your friendship you told him everything, about Mizuki, about drug dealing, about being exploited at every turn. He looked at you not as a commodity, but as a human being.

“Y/N are you going to keep being an easy target? I’m getting bored,” a familiar snarky voice snaps you out of your thoughts.

A silent chuckle leaves your lips as you catch Satoru’s fist, “Easy target? You’re so mean, Satoru.”

You swing your leg in a roundhouse kick he immediately dodged before getting into full fighting mode. It was midday, and as usual, you were sparring with the one and only golden child of the clans. Shoko was hanging out with the upper years as she usually did and Suguru was on the sidelines entertaining himself by watching you guys.

“Satoru, you’re getting your ass handed to you,” Suguru cackles at him, watching as you pin him to the ground.

He pouts, “Shut up,” before swiftly moving out of the hold and flipping you over.

Slippery asshole.

“I win,” he says lifting his blindfold to flash his blue eyes while grinning at you victoriously.

“So unfair, Suguru provoked you,” you scoffed.

“Sorry Y/N,” Suguru smiles. Your heart skips a beat, wait why did it skip a beat? “You two rest, I'll grab some drinks from the vending machine.”

Satoru flashes a thumbs up and you simply nod as you lay across the grass.

As he takes his leave, your white-haired friend moves to plop right next to you and says, “You’re getting better. Maybe you’ll be as good as me someday.”

You roll your eyes, “Yeah, yeah, whatever you say Mr. I’ve been doing martial arts since I left the womb.”

He scrunches his nose but laughs regardless. You close your eyes and let the warmth of the day sink into your skin. It was oddly peaceful, just having nothing but silence, the sun, and your friend next to you.

“You know, I’m happy about how far you’ve come,” Satoru says softly.

You peel your eyes open to see him staring at you with a kind smile. He adds, “When you came here, you looked like a scared kitten. Even still, I know you aren’t fully better yet, I know you still have nightmares sometimes. I’m glad Suguru is next door to check up on you. I’m proud of you.”

You sniffle, feeling a wave of emotions wash over you. Satoru was really one of the nicest people you knew, not that you actually knew that many people. Behind that annoying attitude, he really cared.

“Thanks, Toru. You’re so nice. I’m glad that we are friends.”

You hear a booming voice cut in, “Hey Satoru? I left for two seconds. Why the hell is Y/N crying?”

The two of you break out into laughter.

୨♡୧

There was a knock at your door. At this point, you didn’t bother to open it, knowing that it would click open and there would be the same person it always was. Sure enough, it did.

“Suguru, it’s 11:00 pm is everything okay?” you say concerned. Did he have a nightmare or something?

He smirks and says, “Come on, let’s sneak out Y/N.”

Your eyes widen, “No way, are you asking for Yaga to make us run ten laps around the field? I don’t have the energy or time for that.”

He rolls his eyes in response and says, “Y/N, it’ll be fine. Trust me. I already checked out the route and there is zero chance we get caught.”

“Zero?” you ask.

“Zero,” he affirms.

You huff, clambering out of bed to your closet to grab your socks and shoes. “Fine, but we need to be back in thirty minutes max, okay?”

He mock salutes, “Yes ma’am. I’ll have you home by curfew.”

You giggle and make haste getting ready. When you are, he gently grabs your hand and looks out at the hall in both directions before leading the way. A part of your brain was screaming at you, ‘He’s holding your hand. He’s holding your hand.’ on repeat. But, the other part of you whispered, ‘He might be, but it feels so natural that it only makes sense.’ The latter thought flustered you more than the former.

The two of you make it outside and are hit with a wave of the night air. The school looks drastically different at night. For lack of descriptive terms, it looked like an abandoned building, haunted by the grievances of its previous inhabitants. You tried not to think about it too much.

“We are here,” Suguru says, turning to grin at you. His cheeks were slightly pink from the fast movement. You look past him to see some swings. Your eyes light up, “Oh my God, we have swings around here?”

He chuckles, putting his hands in his pockets as you ran towards one of them. Immediately, you sat down and held both ropes as he approached you. “Yeah, I saw this the other day on my way home when I bought snacks. I remember you told me you always wanted to go on swings when you were younger, so I made a reminder to bring you when we were less busy.”

You practically melt at his consideration. “Thank you Suguru,” you say sincerely. He simply beams and for a moment you think that he sparkles brighter than the stars. The moonlight soaking his skin, the crinkles of his eyes, the small dimple on his right cheek.

Beautiful,you acknowledge.

“Here, I’ll come push you,” he offers, coming behind you. You nod and the two of you stay in silence as he propels you into the air. Your eyes train on the moon and you recall the past two months at this school. It had been filled with so much peace you never thought you could experience in your life. Although you thought of Mizuki every day and cried over her every single day, your friends did a great job of making you not dwell on it too much. They consistently remind you that you will find the curse and kill them, and that fuel of vengeance keeps you from spiraling from grief.

Spontaneously, you remark, “You know I’ve never met anyone like you before, Suguru.”

“What do you mean,” he says. You could picture his eyebrow rising.

“Sometimes I feel like everything bad that’s happened to me was for the sole reason that I could meet you.”

Your words make him gently hold the sides to stop the swing. The action makes you almost begin to turn before you feel arms wrap around your neck in a comforting hug. It felt warm. It felt like home. It felt like destiny.

“Even still, you never deserved to go through that Y/N,” he softly says.

The tenderness made you want to cry and you tell him, “I think that there are some people we are meant to meet. For me, you are one of those people.”

He didn’t respond, but you could feel it in the way he squeezed you before letting go he felt the same.

“Suguru.”

“Yes?”

You shift to stare at him, and he’s looking at you. Your eyes flicker to his lips, and he follows your gaze. You think,maybe, maybe he feels what I feel. Maybe he feels an inexplicable connection to me too.

Maybe.

The two of you close the gap.

It was the first and only of your maybe’s that came true.

୨♡୧

You met Suguru when you were at your lowest.Now, you are 28 with a decision to make.

A commitment.

A change.

A beginning.

Before him there was nothing.

You could turn back.

Your body was almost healed from the last mission, you didn’t have as many muscle spasms or spontaneous pains as before.

You could save yourself.

You could choose to live.

The phone rings.

“We have a new mission for you, Y/N.”

Then, you make your choice.

your beauty never really scared me - diorlily - 呪術廻戦 (2024)

Chapter 1: chapter one

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Chapter 2: chapter two

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Chapter 3: chapter three

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Chapter 4: chapter four

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Chapter 5: chapter five

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Chapter 6: chapter six

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Chapter 7: chapter seven

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Chapter 8: chapter eight

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